• You have a genital piercing, perky implants, or an exhibitionistic lover.
• You want to hit a resort less than an hour away that feels like a different country — a country where clothes never came into vogue.
• You've always wanted to test the waters of nudism but were afraid you'd wind up at the equivalent of a naked nursing home.
Itinerary: Watch and learn
If you've only dabbled in nudism on dark nights after plenty of drinks, Skinny Dip Sundaes at Caliente Resort are the perfect time to take the plunge. The multi-level poolscape feels like a Vegas resort, complete with imported palm trees, tiki bars, a massive waterfall, and a DJ spinning house music you'd expect on a happening gay cruise. Yes, there's only a handful of people you'd actually pay to see naked, but the uninhibited parading around the pool embodies a carnival spirit where anything goes. The patrons average in their mid-40s, but the resort truly does cater to all types: tattooed bikers with undersized genitals that will make yours look huge, white-haired men with abs that put your beer belly to shame, hipsters who are too insecure to strip down, pregnant women, awkward single men, former models... There's enough bare flesh that you'll fit right in with only minimal embarrassment. For eats, the Calypso Cantina offers the kind of food and prices you'd expect at a beach bar. If you're in the mood for a black tie dinner without the tie, or pants, dine at Caliente's Caribe Grill And Bar. Sundays, Noon-8:00 p.m., 21 +. $10 women, $20 couples, and $20 guys. 21240 Gran Via Blvd. Land O Lakes, FL 34637 skinnydipsundae.com;
• On Sundays you aren't required to go naked in the pool. But you won't have as much fun or meet as many people if you're too shy to leave your weekday self piled on your chair.
• The sun chairs begin filling up at noon, so arrive early to secure choice seats.
• The clearest sign that you're a newbie is tan lines. They may even serve as a conversation piece. But if you're paranoid about sticking out, get a spray tan.
• Generously lather up your privy parts. Walking off to the changing room at a nudist resort with a bottle of sunscreen is much easier to explain than repeatedly retreating to your office bathroom with aloe-infused lotion.
• Bring quick and easy cover-ups, like a lightweight sarong or loose button-up shirt.
• A nudist resort is a self-contained world. Be respectful of other's privacy when making friends. Don't even attempt to take photos unless you want to be kicked out.
• It's okay to check out the other naked people, just don't be obvious about it.
• The drinks aren't cheap, but they come in generous Styrofoam containers perfect for floating around the pool.
If you like the idea of a hot weekend but prefer to keep your clothes on, try a... Tropical Heatwave PLAYcation!
Thanks, Big Dan.
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