Meet the new movies, same as the old movies.
2013 will feel a lot like 2012 at the multiplex, with a full slate of sequels (Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness, Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Anchorman: The Legend Continues, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, etc.), remakes (Evil Dead, The Host) and up-conversions to 3D (Jurassic Park 3D). Movies I’m actually excited about include: Elysium, starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster in Neill Bloomkamp’s sci-fi follow-up to the killer District 9; The Wolf of Wall Street, Martin Scorsese’s financial industry crime opus starring Leonardo DiCaprio; The World’s End, the latest collaboration from the Shaun of the Dead team of Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost; and, finally, World War Z, the cool-looking Brad Pitt zombie movie that was supposed to have come out … in 2012. As for hot indies I’m excited about, check back after Sundance.
Apple TV. With apologies to CL’s Mitch Perry and Julie Garisto, I am an Apple fanboy. I love obsessing over the rumor sites (macrumors.com and 9to5mac.com, mostly) and trying to figure out what the most innovative tech company of my lifetime has in the works. The rumormongers say Apple is going to break into the television market in 2013, and breathless “reports” have pegged the Cupertino, Ca. electronics maker as readying both a full HDTV set and a stand-alone box that will add the functionality of the Apple TV to your current flatscreen. These reports have been trickling out for years.
I have little real interest in an Apple TV (I bought a snazzy Samsung three years ago), but I do have an interest in seeing this rumor die — if only so we can move on to the next rumor. Piper Jaffray Analyst Gene Munster (if you follow Apple news, you’re no doubt familiar with Munster, who is always referred to with his “Piper Jaffray Analyst” title — always!) has floated the idea that the iPhone is going to tank mid-decade as Apple rolls out a new product that will ultimately kill the smartphone. (You know, just like the iPhone offed the iPod.) Now that’s a rumor I can enjoy spreading indiscriminately and with no real information.
The Royal Birth. Forget the Mayan calendar or Planet X, there’s only one force in this universe capable of blotting out the sun: the volcanic eruption of news coverage that will precede the emergence of a new member of the British royal family from the vagina of Kate Middleton. Or will the delivery be a C-section? Let’s discuss for, oh, six more months! Yes, after the future monarch is born we’ll be inundated with insipid ongoing coverage of His Royal Poopiness, but even that display will be preferable to the wild speculation (“Kate’s puking a lot, so it must be twins!”) and moronic fawning already occurring in the run-up to uterine ejection.
Henry beginning to speak. My son has a few words under his belt (light, mama, uh-oh, etc.) but tends to fall back on wild gesticulation and guttural animal sounds to communicate. Enough with all the grunting and pointing shit. Speak, god damn it! Say something. Hell, say anything! Tell me I’m fat, or that you hate the dog, or that you can’t wait to vote Republican like Grandma, whatever — just make it clear enough that adults can understand you. And then only speak when spoken to. Because Daddy loves you …
Fantasy Football. My 2012 team sucked. I was snake-bit at wide receiver (Greg Jennings, Desean Jackson, Danny Amendola, Darrius Heyward-Bey and Nate Burleson were all on my squad, and all ended up out for the year or brutally sidelined for extended periods — Amendola and Heyward-Bey both almost died), and I repeatedly made boneheaded start-’em-or-sit-’em decisions that cost me outright victories and a trip to the playoffs. There’s always next year …
A comet’s tail. What if I told you that astronomers had discovered a previously unknown comet streaking toward the sun and scheduled to make its closest pass on Nov. 28, 2013? It’s true! In September, two European astronomers revealed the existence of C2012/S1 (ISON), a two-mile-wide slushball that is, in fact, headed for a close encounter with Alpha Centauri. The comet is expected to outshine the moon in the night sky (unheard of in our lifetimes — or most lifetimes) by next fall, providing a once-in-a-millennium evening spectacle for those lucky enough to be gazing upward from the Northern Hemisphere. Though the science geeks insist this thing will not actually hit the Earth (closest approach is 37 million miles), there’s no way facts will get in the way of a good panic attack. The end is near! You heard it hear first.
