Venues are keeping rather mum about the parties going on around town during the RNC and who exactly will be attending said parties. So we’ve faux organized our own imagined set of RNC-centric celebrations, and as unlikely as these fantasy (or nightmare) parties may seem, they’d definitely be loads more fun and entertaining than any of the real ones. We even came up with party campaign slogans …
Shuffling the Night Away Under the Stars
“Starring you and your fatty wallet…”
The stars collide at the shuffleboard courts, downtown St. Petersburg’s hippest spot as per the New York Times, for this upscale Saturday night welcoming party. The laymen enjoy shuffleboarding photo ops with young conservative pop tarts like Hilary Duff and faux-celebs like Heidi Montag who flutter around long enough to meet their 30-minute contractual appearance obligation before PR teams shuffle them away to the air-conditioned confines of the Coliseum for the VIP party ($2,000 a head). Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh co-crash the Coliseum, the former lambasting anyone stupid enough to meet his beady-eyed stare about the difference between loofahs and falafels, the latter trying to sell Oxy to the crowd but failing as he keeps nodding out into his bottle of champagne. James O’Keefe arrives late, dressed up as Tyler Durden from Fight Club.
Fabulous Republican Bitches Party
“We still don’t ask and will never tell…”
Hosted by the Log Cabin Republicans at Georgie’s Alibi, this fabulous showcase features the Bay area’s finest drag queens starring as Pam Bondage, Sarah Nailin, Anal Coulter and Ronda Storms, with a special guest appearance by Gov. Jesus Christ and his beard. Christ breezes onto the stage to Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out!”; his beard flaps in elegantly behind him. Guests can sip on the evening drink special, the Atlas Chugged, a mason jar concoction of free market capitalism that will kick-start any party, but mostly the Republican one.
Free Speech Party Zone Lock-In
“Expect the unexpected…”Local and national liberal media are drawn like magnets to an event they’ve actually been invited to, featuring an all-star guest list (Anderson Cooper, Rachel Maddow, Angelina Jolie) and open bar all night long. All attendees are corralled into the basement at the Kress building in downtown Tampa, then locked-in for the entirety of the RNC, completely cut off from the world aside from one giant big-screen TV pumping in all the news and activities said media personnel aren’t reporting on. In a Big Brother/Real World turn of events, hundreds of cameras have been placed at strategic spots all over the building in advance of the “guests” arriving, and all unknowingly signed contracts consenting when they RSVP’d to the event. (Who reads the small print on those things? Certainly not the media!) Everyone is relentlessly plied with food and alcohol, and utter mayhem is held off only because everyone knows they’re being taped. Anderson Cooper drunk-dials CNN and asks them to change his show title to Silver Fox 360; Amy Goodman reclaims her keg-stand queen title; Rachel Maddow gets so slurry she shaves her head and renounces the Pope; and CL’s own Mitch Perry drinks himself into a coma while mumbling about his beloved hometown San Francisco Giants losing MVP Melky Cabrera. Melky!
Berlusconi Bunga Bunga Party, Tampa-style
“La Trashy Dolce Vida.”
Italy’s primo one-percenter, (former) Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, brings his infamous bacchanalia and girls, girls, girls — all-nude babes from the Mons Venus and 2001, burlesque beauties from Le Teaze, belly-dancing from Hip Expressions, Pussycat Dolls, Suicide Girls, the reunited Spice Girls, surviving Golden Girl Betty White joined by the Solid Gold Dancers, and Casey Anthony, who jumps out of a fluffy white cake and shows us what “Bella Vita” is all about. Sen. Marco Rubio serves Banana Boats. Joe Redner and Snoop Lion (formerly Dogg) make sure the gents are properly intoxicated and entertained, and Mayor Buckhorn brings back his measuring stick to keep the lap dances in check. Culpepper and Kurland work the door.
The Hanging Chads Bash
“There is an elephant in the room and it’s wearing assless leather chaps.”
An exclusive after-after-hours victory party at Wilson’s on Fourth Street in St. Petersburg following Thursday’s RNC closing night ceremonies, as co-thrown by officially crowned Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and VP running mate Paul Ryan. Florida Governor Rick “Sexy Gollum” Scott introduces Romney — aka Magic Mitt — who jogs to the stage clad only in a tie and assless leather chaps, and shakes his capital assets to the tune of Pink Floyd’s “Money.” Raunchy Ryan follows shortly after as a bad boy Catholic priest in collar and matching black-and-white g-string, and shimmies through Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” The climactic finale finds Magic, Raunchy, Sexy Gollum, and New Jersey Gov. Chris “Creamy” Christie and Florida Senator Marco “Latino Lion” Rubio clad in trenchcoats and wielding umbrellas as they re-enact the “It’s Raining Men” striptease scene from Magic Mike. Their politics won’t break your glass ceiling, ladies, but their moves might break your bank.