BEST MOST FRESH FISH
TC Choy's
When you walk in, you sort of assume the fish tanks set into the wall next to the kitchen are decorative. Au contraire. Order a whole fish, steamed or fried, and the chefs will pull it struggling and squirming straight out of the tank, gleaming cleavers and boning knives at the ready. If you're feeling particularly angry at ocean dwellers, you can even pick your own victim as it swims haplessly along. Unless you normally hunt and gather grizzly bear style — from river to paw to mouth — this is as fresh as fish can get. 301 S. Howard Ave., Tampa, 813-251-1191.
BEST NEW RESTAURANT
Pelagia Trattoria
The décor is generic and the service is geared toward drop-in diners ambling over from International Plaza or the Renaissance Hotel, but the food at Pelagia Trattoria is exceptional. Chef Fabrizio Schendardi's cuisine doesn't re-invent the wheel, but it doesn't have to. He prepares pure Mediterranean cuisine that is just as it should be — a few simple ingredients brought into perfect balance, sometimes hearty, sometimes elegant, always with a comforting simplicity that allows the base flavors to shine through. 4200 Jim Walter Blvd., Tampa, 813-313-3235.
BEST PLACE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT
Chateau France
First off, sit inside. Veranda seating is well lit and visible from the street — fine for the obligatory anniversary meal with the old ball and chain — but inside, this converted 1910 house is as dark as your cheating heart. Candles provide tiny islands of light, not enough to make out the features of folks at other tables or, more importantly, for them to make out yours. Chef/owner Antoine Louro is French, so he undoubtedly understands the need for discretion. Use the corporate AmEx, though, because it ain't cheap. 136 Fourth Ave. N.E., St. Petersburg, 727-894-7163, www.chateaufrancecuisine.com.
BEST PLACE TO LOSE $1,000 BETWEEN COURSES
Floyd's at The Hard Rock Casino Hotel
It's a killer nightclub on the weekends, serves pretty good food and makes the waitresses wear these horrendous uniforms, but really, who cares? Get a pack of smokes and plant yourself in a chair at the $5 slots to while away the 15 minutes between appetizers and entrees by losing your kid's college fund. Joker ... joker ... and a triple! 5223 Orient Road, Tampa, 813-627-7625, www.hardrockhotelcasinotampa.com.
BEST-LOOKING WAITSTAFF
Pane Rustica
The entire staff is young and beautiful, but not too young or too beautiful, like the teenage hostesses at chain places. They all wear black, but individual natures find a way to shine through — that one wears her shirt off the shoulder with a bright purple bra strap showing; this one has a crisp button-down and several piercings across his face; another has a bare midriff and a bandana that ties back neo-hippy dreds. Even the sweaty folks preparing dishes look tasty in the open kitchen. Enough to make you drool. And the food is good, too. 3225 S. MacDill Ave., Tampa, 813-902-8828.
BEST NON-GIN MARTINI
Restaurant BT
In a town where kaffir lime leaves are so hard to find, who knew there would be kaffir lime leaf vodka? BT combines it with lemongrass for one of the only vodka martinis in town that's worth a damn. Gin rules! 1633 Snow Ave. W., Tampa, 813-258-1916, www.restaurantbt.com.
BEST HEALTH FOOD SALES PITCH
Cephas Gilbert, Cephas Hot Shop
He bounces off walls like a Jamaican Jackie Chan, reaching the 12-foot ceiling in just a couple of hops before leaping to the ground, all to demonstrate the power of drinking healthy aloe. Then, he stands over you until you finish your bitter aloe shake, a militant Rasta poster-child with his black beret, T-shirt and fatigues. "You've got to slam it, mon!" You will, too. 1701 E. Fourth Ave., Ybor City, 813-247-9022.
BEST LUNCH DEAL, REALLY
$8 Bulgoki Box, Sa Ri One Korean Restaurant
Fluffy omelet, strips of spicy chicken, sesame marinated soy sprouts, fiery cube of kimchi, fried dumplings, miso soup, steamed rice and a can of coke. $10 with tip and tax. I can say, without fear of hyperbole, that this lunch is one million times better than any lunch you've had this month. 3940 W. Cypress Ave., Tampa, 813-874-2911.
BEST LUNCH FOR PEOPLE STILL CLINGING TO ATKINS
Laughing Cat Lunch Buffet
At night, it's Italian, with all of the carb-laden dishes that you foolishly avoid. By day, it's a meat parade! The buffet usually presents two beef and two fish (one cold, one warm) along with some pork and poultry, often soaked in a cream-based sauce that will really get those arteries pumping! It's good, to boot. If only they served stacks of fried bacon, it would be Atkins heaven! 1811 N. 15th St., Ybor City, 813-241-2998.
BEST LATE-NIGHT ALCOHOL SPONGE
Memae's Alaskan Tacos
It's open until 2 a.m. and almost everything that goes on these tasty taco bombs is fried. A mere two blocks of stumbling from Centro Ybor will fill that Jaegermeister-soaked premature pot belly with some delicious treats. If you're lucky, they won't roust you when you pass out on the picnic tables. 1604 N. 17th St., Ybor City, 813-514-8226.
BEST LOBSTER
Butter Poached Lobster, Opium
It's almost too pretty to eat, with a luscious, beet-red buerre blanc encircling a pale shelled lobster. The meat is tender and mild, the butter accenting the briny flavor of the shellfish, and a perfume of gruyere from the sautéed leeks clinging to the flesh. Drool. 14445 N. Dale Mabry, Tampa, 813-908-8800.
BEST CONDIMENT
Chili's Preserved In Fish Sauce, Thai Island
Tiny bombs of overpowering salty funk hit your mouth like a left jab, with a stealth heat that seems to keep building minutes after you take a bite of this homemade garnish. Even with a fresh memory of this pungent stuff, you'll spoon some more onto your larb or pad thai. It'll turn you into a masochist. 210 E. Davis Blvd., Davis Islands, 813-251-9111.
BEST SALAD
Caesar Fondue, Pelagia Trattoria
Crisp romaine leaves are grilled, just enough to sear and add some meaty flavor, then stacked like cordwood in a box. Pull them out with your hands and dredge them in the dish of anchovy- and parmigiano-laden dressing on the side. Go ahead and double dip. 4200 Jim Walter Blvd., Tampa, 813-313-3235.
BEST ROAST CHICKEN
Capital Grille
It's a simple thing, roast chicken, but so few restaurants care to do it right. For a place known for hunks of charred beef, Capital Grille makes the juiciest, best-seasoned, crisp-skinned fowl in town. And for just $18.95, you get the whole bird. 2223 N. West Shore Blvd., www.thecapitalgrille.com.
BEST PORK CHOP
Redwoods
Redwoods Chef Jason Orchard knows that details count. Take what he does with the lowly pork chop. A cut that is often given interest only by heavy seasoning, Orchard's chop is smoked in-house — a masterful touch that adds an ocean of smoky, meaty flavor. With its dark brown seared crust, crisped bacon-y rind of fat and light pink interior, this may be the best restaurant chop you'll ever have. 247 Central Ave., St. Petersburg, 727-896-5118.
BEST LATE-NIGHT ALCOHOL SPONGE, PART II
Vino E Pasta
The restaurant is open until 2 a.m. on weekends?! Who doesn't need a giant plate of rigatoni with meatballs or spaghetti carbonara after a long night of unsuccessfully trolling for a hook-up? The carbs will soak up the eight apple-tinis you drank for courage, and the comfort food will dull the ache of another lonely night. 3603 W. Gandy Blvd., Tampa, 813-902-8466.
BEST REASON TO OUTLET SHOP
Hickory Hollow Barbecue
Sure, it's a bit of a trek down I-75, but after you're done browsing the formaldehyde-scented dregs of mega-clothiers, you can rejuvenate two blocks away with some of the best barbecue around. They serve incredible and cheap corn fritters, Carolina-style pulled pork, and fish that is better than most fancy-pants places. Just look for the oddly androgynous giant pig out front. 4705 U.S. 301 N., Ellenton, 941-722-3932.
BEST ICE CREAM IN A BAR
Mad Dogs & Englishmen
Sure, it's a fun, homey pub that serves food, but Mad Dogs' homemade ice cream is exceptional. Sweet and salty soy nut and raw coconut is a favorite, as is the incredibly fragrant cinnamon. It even goes well with a Guinness. 4115 S. MacDill Ave., Tampa, 813-832-3037.
BEST WAY TO ENJOY RAW MEAT
Steak Tartare, Chateau France
I'm all for the "raw food diet." Just watching chef/owner Antoine Louro shred a red cube of raw prime filet in a wooden bowl, reaching for caper, mustard and shallot for flavor, makes me feel healthier and wiser. Each bite of pillowy flesh makes me realize that cooking destroys both flavor and nutrients. It's health food! Yum! 136 Fourth Ave. N.E., St. Petersburg, 727-894-7163, www.chateaufrancecuisine.com.