Embrace the bulge 

Don’t castrate. Accentuate.

American men have been brainwashed into masking the monuments of our masculinity behind baggy board shorts that neuter our anatomy. Loose swim trunks are American burkas instituted to mute the lust that consumes women, and some men, upon gazing at the devious face of God shrouded behind provocative bikini briefs. This summer I encourage all men to burn these garments of repression and embrace the bulge.

I have not always been the proud plume smuggler that I am today, boldly prancing around beach bars while letting my freak flag fly at half-mast. Growing up, I was on a swim team for six years. In all that time I only competed in two meets. Why? Primarily because my Speedo reduced my impressionable manhood to Ken-doll proportions. Wearing Speedos was like compressing a blooming bouquet in vacuum-sealed shrink wrap. Eventually I realized that my insecurity did not stem from a defect in my anatomy, but rather from the swimwear itself.

When shopping for a male-enhancing swimsuit, keep this in mind; Speedos are meant for speed, not as decorative wrapping to dress your genetic gifts in a suggestive, yet mysterious, package. Instead, Speedos make your crown jewels look like small lumps of coal stuffed in a stocking.

While shopping online for an alluring suit befitting the majesty of your merrymaker, search for keywords like “Brazilian,” “boy-shorts,” “dance,” and “pouch.” Look for brands like Male Power, Jocko, Yafex, and my own personal creation, Alffamale (not yet available in stores).

Basically, in doing a swimsuit search, follow this rule:

Don’t castrate. Accentuate.

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