Well, Summer is upon us and that means vacation season. Whether we choose to travel to a far flung destination or we opt for a two-week stint in The Republic of Backyardia; ultimately, we all enjoy a change of pace once and a while.
In the midst of the hostile and bitchy fervor of the 2012 American Presidential campaigns it seems appropriate to pause and reflect. Reflect on what really binds us all during this virulent political climate.
The talking head pundits would have us believe that the country is horrifically divided and that the other guys are plotting and conspiring away in their evil alchemy crypt. Each faction scheming in their respective murky lair on how to suspend the constitution and install either a nefarious North Korean styled socialism or setting up an ultra fascist potentate. Busy busy busy constructing an eerie social wedge to be driven between the socio-economic classes. A wedge so malevolent and derisive that it will put all the peoples of the United States into a tailspin while the political alchemist skulks in a corner and laughs sinisterly all the way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Prom, Senior-itis, caps 'n' gowns, awkward breakups ("So HCC is, like 20 minutes away and stuff? I think we owe it to ourselves to be free"), awkward yearbook entries ("I didn't really know you, but we did have a few laughs in...Statistics, was it? Okay, bye") and for the rest of us grown-ups with electric bills and alcoholism, second degree burns from the steering wheel.
Ah, summer is here. (No, spring was canceled, sorry.) So, what kind of half-assed sports writer would I be if I didn't at least make a feeble attempt to help out the average sports fan in this otherwise sleepy sports season? A third-assed one at best? Break out the sun block and throw the weiners on the grill. It's your 2012 summer sports guide. This year, 80 percent man-thong free!
Then the Buccaneers pulled the old switcharoo on us pseudo-experts and picked the Alabama safety Mark Barron over the DB Claiborne. No problem. Anybody on that championship defense is a stud, we need a safety as much as any other defensive player, and the guy hits like John Lynch. Plus after Morris Claiborne scored about as high as Morris the cat on the Wonderlic Test, there was speculation whether or not the kid could pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
Speaking of punks, Rays reliever Fernando Rodney sports an idiosyncrasy slightly more annoying than his first and last name reversed. He wears his cap like Snoop Dogg (Snoop-a-loop is still relevant, right?). Manager Joe Maddon predictably yet disappointingly came to his defense.
"…I love it, and you can put a capital L-O-V-E in there. He's just expressing himself and for those that have a hard time with that, too bad."
Sweet baby Jesus in the manger, Maddon. Do I have to remind you there's no I in capital T-E-A-M? Yo Joe, mind if I take the mound with my Avenger boxers hanging out of my baggy baseball pants? Wait, did I say pants? I meant jorts. Gotta express myself. Madonna said so.
Want individuality? Play tennis, Agassi. (You remember Agassi, right?)
Tampa Bay Lightning owner Jeff Vinik, or as I like to call him, Bizarro-Glazer, has decided to once again go against stereotype and offer to invest his, not our, money into possibly purchasing Channelside Bay Plaza. Just a Stamkos slapshot away from the Tampa Bay Times Forum, the troubled retail complex has had more than its share of business misfires, and outside of Stumps, Splitzville and Hooters, isn't known for much else unless you enjoy staring at giant pants and no sleeves. Seriously, tank tops need to be outlawed. There's just something disgusting about the ability to apply deodorant after you've completely dressed. Gross.
Originally developed by a Chicago-based Japanese company, later owned by a deadbeat New York scumbag, and currently owned by the Irish government (huh?), yeah, it would be refreshing to have a local investor who cares about this city redevelop a complex you can walk to from a concert, hockey game, or (cough) maybe a baseball game (cough). Oh, no he didn't!
Speaking of baseball and New York scumbags, theTampa Bay Rays gently crammed a broomstick up Yankee Nation's ass over the weekend by taking all three games in the series to begin the season. The evil empire with players making more than our entire franchise haven't been 0-3 since 1998 when I was singing into my hairbrush to "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion...I mean Aerosmith.
Rounding up the scumbag trifecta: Ex-Buccaneer butthole Warren Sapp.
Editor's Note: Today marks the debut of "Movie Matt-ers," a movie advice column written by — you guessed it — a guy named Matt. If you've seen his work as a columnist for the movie site hudakonhollywood.com, you know that Matt Kaiser's specialty is answering reader questions. What's not going to kill me at concession stand? What PG-13 movies should I sneak my 10 year-old into? How do pick a movie that keeps my wife happy while not making me want to stab myself in the eye at the same time? If you have a question for Movie Matt-ers, email Matt at email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org. Fire away!
This week, Matt tackles men enjoying "Twilight" and advice on picking which 3D flick to splurge on. Enjoy …
Question #1: "The wife keeps trying to get me to watch the Twilight movies, and tries to sell them to me by saying they have vampires and werewolves and action. I keep resisting because I saw the first movie and hated it. What should I do?" —Tom
Looks like everybody in Denver thinks Peyton Manning's little necky-poo issues are a-okay. So much so that they've reportedly signed the 1998 first round draft pick to a five-year $96 million contract, officially putting the "High" in Mile-High. Granted, if the old man can stay healthy, there are very few teams in this country that wouldn't violently shove their granny over to sign him. This shouldn't inspire a Tebow pile-on, even though it will. Every starting quarterback in the league not named Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, or Drew Brees just exhaled. But five years? And almost 100 mil? Really? Does anybody reading this think Manning has five years left? Indi apparently didn't, otherwise we wouldn't have been treated to this off-season soap opera in the first place. If Manning retired a month ago, nobody would have blamed him. He's already got the bust in Canton, the bling on his finger, and enough money to have all the HBO's he wanted. Now that he's back? What neck issue? He was only out, what, a whole year? He's fine. Here, buy yourself a country or something. The good news? You can now get a free Tebow Bronco jersey with a plate of Rocky Mountain oysters.
Celebrate Pi Day today and take the Pi Day Challenge. Pass some quizzes and get into MOSI for free from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. today only. Especially great for you math teachers on spring break today.
The Pi Day Challenge involves a series logic-based puzzles and can be found by visiting mosi.org, MOSI’s Facebook page facebook.com/MOSIFL or by visiting the official 2011 Pi Day Challenge at pidaychallenge.com.