Happy Halloween, Tampa Sports Fans. Did you know that Raymond James Stadium absolutely loves this deliciously evil holiday? Every time I stumble in, literally thousands (okay, hundreds) of fans collectively yell, "BOO!", scaring the crap out of me and making me spill my terrifyingly expensive beer on my frighteningly filthy flip-flops. Then throughout the game, I hear the agonizing groans of zombies, the pulse-pounding profanity spewing from vomit-soaked fans clearly possessed by the devil and getting all compelled by the power of Christ and stuff, and the booming voice of Satan himself over the PA piercing our ears with the hellish chant, "4th down...4th down...4th down...redrum...". Howl-O-Scream ain't got nuthin' on Sundays at RayJay. And don't even get me started on the locker room showers.
"I want the entire area scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!"
-Judge Elihu Smails
The judge was referring to Tampa Bay, of course, after the recent Boston and Philadelphia fan infestation over the last week … also? Staph.
Shortly before the Buccaneers hosted the Filthy-delpia Eagles Sunday afternoon, it was discovered that a third player had contracted Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus, a bacteria so riddled with hard-to-pronounce syllables that many antibiotics have no affect. Bucs General Manager Mark Dominik said the team has been working with infectious disease specialists to treat and educate it's players, sanitize its training facility and install new health and safety protocols. In other words, clean your f*****g showers and wear flip-flops.
Oh, the game? Yeah we lost … again … sorry.
The ride began with a free fall without a safety net as the Tampa Bay Rays took a much needed series against the Blue Jays and flew off the rails face-first into the dunk tank. Friday and Saturday they lost … badly by a total of 13-5 and it wasn't that close. Apparently Tanner, Engelberg and Bill Buckner made a cameo. By Sunday while the Buccaneers were busy going in circles on the tilt-a-whirl after too many deep fried Twinkies, the Rays turned a seemingly relaxing Ferris wheel 7-0 lead into a Tower of Terror sphincter-seizure and barely hung on to a 7-6 win.
Okay, I'm not Debbie Downer. I need to at least throw a couple of ounces of love to the Tampa Bay Rays who closed out the weekend winning the series against the defending World Series champs, the San Fransisco Giants (but they suck this year, Bill). Oh my God, dude. Seriously? Anyway, big ups to Chris Archer for winning both American League pitcher AND Rookie of the month. There's your sweet, here comes the sour.
Anyhoo, the point is, Price is back. Like bionic back. Granted, recently the Rays have enjoyed the American League weenies. But when it's time to beat the teams you need to beat, a 98 pitch complete game with zero walks is nothing to sneeze at. And cover your mouth, for God's sake. What are you, three? After sweeping Chicago for the first time in (papers rustling) hey, look at that … ever, the Rays went ahead and mopped up the Minnesota Twinkies … okay, who kind of suck … in a four game series this week (Twinkie the Kid was arrested at Ferg's Wednesday afternoon on a drunk and disorderly and is currently on suicide watch). Keep rolling, boys.
Speaking of bizarre encounters, Royals pitcher James Shields took the mound Tuesday against his former teammates for the first time after 12 seasons with the Rays. But never mind that shit, what's the deal with all the high-school-girl tweeting after the little spat between pitcher David Price and some umpire on Sunday? Juicy!
That's right, you little horny bastards. Valentine's Day is upon us. That glorious one day of the year when the calendar forces you to cowboy up and purge all the cheesy, ooey-gooey, lovie-dovie, vomit-inducing deep feelings you have to the one you love... with a $4 card written by somebody else. (But I signed it myself!) Indeed you did, Casanova. You win a handy. Keep your chocolates, flowers and spankings. Nothing's more heartfelt than that rare romantic soul-baring reminder of why you don't kill them in their sleep for leaving their short-and-curlies on the soap. And since love and sports go together like the Super Bowl and Monday cottonmouth, I'd like to hand out some early love notes to do my part and see if a few more of you can't have a happy ending this February 14th. Pucker up, buttercup.
49ers broke hearts in San Francisco. Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I don't know who came up with that line of refried horseshit, but after the opening quote I needed to class it up a bit. Until this season, the San Francisco 49ers had never suffered a Super Bowl loss. Something every other "dynasty" (Cowboys, Steelers, Patriots...) had already done at least twice. Now the 49er faithful are left to ask themselves if the yearlong relationship was worth it after ending like a wet fart on a date. Not to worry, San Fran freaks. Harbaugh heartbreak is nothing a gallon of Beef Rice-A-Roni can't drown. By the way, if you're not seeing Alex Smith anymore, is it okay if we ask him out? He's totally dreamy and there's just something about Josh Freeman we can't trust.
Big Picture Alert: With four games left, if the Bucs don’t win again this year, they’re still better than last season’s record by two. So no matter what happens between now and then, one thing is for sure. The 2011 Tampa Bay Buccaneers sucked harder than Honey Boo Boo on a McDonald’s shake. Good God, is that not the most nauseatingly graphic example of the end of civilization ever to be televised? And I hear that Honey Boo Boo show isn’t much better. Hey-ohhh!
Join Matthew Michael Awesome and I as we embark upon a quest to find the solution to all my costume related issues from the cosplaying experts at Metrocon 2012.
Things I have learned:
1. My Velma Dinkley crush has not gone away. Jinkies!
2. Interviewing girls with epic boobs at eye level is a LOT more difficult than it looks. (I'm assuming practice is required to fix this... I'm not quite sure how to pitch that to the wife.)
3. I do not yet own all the cool t-shirts.
4. People don't mind being made fun of as long as they know you get the source material.
5. I would make a good Hawkeye.
6. Batman Plushies are adorable!
7. There is a massive resurgence in "My Little Pony" stuff and it is blowing my mind.
8. I still don't get Naruto...at all.
9. There aren't enough hi-fives in the world for the dude in the Iron Spider Man outfit.
10. It's nice hanging around a large group of people that get my jokes. :)