Sunday, May 24, 2015

Weekend Shift: Dadbod vs. radbod

Posted By on Sun, May 24, 2015 at 10:30 AM


Dadbod. It’s the newest word-hybrid being pushed into our psyches by the ever trend-reporting internet. Apparently a college girl wrote a blog that went viral arguing that guys who are not muscular, who have standard-issue, no-frills body types, which they deem to belong to dads, are just as fuckable as their gym-frequenting, protein shake-drinking brethren.

But I call bullshit.

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Sunday, May 10, 2015

The REAL Florida Man

Posted By on Sun, May 10, 2015 at 8:51 AM


Generally when we see the words “Florida Man” in the headlines, they’re followed by fantastically absurd sentences like “Tries to Convince Woman to Buy, Cook, Eat Iguanas Duct-Taped to His Bike,” or, “Eats Homeless Man’s Face Off.” These types of headlines have pegged Florida Man as batshit-bananas. In all fairness, because Florida Men are always down to party; things do get out of control sometimes. But the more typical Florida Man — while only a Flakka-binge away from making the headlines — is normally less dramatic and more prolific.

The pre-psychotic break Florida Man is as intrinsic to our state as balmy salt-air nights, palm trees and Silver Alerts. And he’s everywhere. Especially at convenience stores buying Busch beer and 305s cigarettes; making catcalls at 13-year-old girls from his rusty Ford pick-up truck; and asking people in parking lots for gas money.

Almost anyone (who lives in Florida and is male, that is) can be a Florida Man. It just takes a little dedication and a lingering lack of self-worth.

Below is a handy lifestyle guide for aspiring Florida Men.

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Sunday, April 26, 2015

Hair apparent: On the subject of the top-knot/man-bun trend

Posted By on Sun, Apr 26, 2015 at 11:06 AM

Move over, ostentastache — the man-bun is here. - TRENDLOVER VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
  • trendlover via wikimedia commons
  • Move over, ostentastache — the man-bun is here.

Top-knots on dudes have been trending for more than a year in big cities like Los Angeles, New York, London and Melbourne, but lately they’re seeming to gain popularity here in the bay area. Sure, I’d seen one or two at Rollin’ Oats or walking in downtown St. Pete, but at a recent show at Jannus Live there were so many men with top-knots (or man-buns) that my friends and I started counting. Seven. Including the frontman/mandolin player of Yonder Mountain String Band. If you’re not clear, a top-knot is when a long-haired male wraps their hair into a little ball and neatly poises it on top of his head with a rubber band, like a samurai, or a chick.

At first I wondered if maybe top-knots could be the next big man-trend. Maybe it would be the new mustache, which is a little played out. After all, the ironic mustache ceases to be ironic when more than half the dudes at any given hipster bar have one. But after giving it some thought, Top-Knot Guy and Mustache Guy are not the same guy. I know this because it is always accurate to make generalizations about people based on their appearance. Fact.

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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Bill's Sports Binge: Priced out of the market and are you ready for some football? (Spoiler alert: Yes)

Posted By on Thu, Aug 7, 2014 at 8:13 PM


You can prepare for the inevitable as much as you can, but when it finally hits it can still suck donkey balls. Gram Gram is over a hundred and won't live forever. Summer vacation is great but won't last forever. Last call isn't until 3 a.m. but time marches on. And don't get me started on chocolate shakes. Eventually Gramma's gone, school starts, the bartender tosses you through a plate-glass window and your straw makes that empty sucky slurpy noise indicating dessert is done and your gut is expanding. Good times.

So goes the David Price saga, which came to a predictable, yet very sad, conclusion. It surprised nobody, yet there was hope immersed in the hopelessness until the bitter end that came last Thursday afternoon. When I read the news on my smart-ass phone, I put my head down as a nauseous and bloaty feeling overcame me. Then I farted and felt a lot better. I didn't want him to go, but knew the day would come. I wanted the world for him in the trade, but it makes little mathematical sense to unload somebody because we can't afford him only to acquire several studs equally unattainable with the limited funds at our disposal. It would be like dumping HBO to save money then pick up Starz, Cinemax, Epix and Showtime. We're a basic-cable market and all we can hope for is the occasional swear word to sneak across AMC to make us feel premium-channel rich. Good luck, David. Enjoy Detroit. You can actually buy a house for 100 bucks. So with your new contract, you can probably buy a ... um ... Detroit.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Bill's SportsBinge: Rays, stuff and things

Posted By on Thu, Jul 24, 2014 at 5:20 PM


To say July is slightly slow in sports is akin to suggesting that the Rays have a wee bit of catching up to do if they don't want to spend October sitting on the couch — a giant luxurious leather couch in front of a 80-inch flatscreen, being fed nachos by topless supermodels so their hands don't get sticky holding their micro-brew. Baseball players are quite wealthy is the general point of the previous stupid joke. The World Cup was a pleasant distraction for the awkward pauses between bar conversations, the All-Star game was great if you were actually there (and you were 12), and of course, the ESPYs (*cough*). So, in order to come up with enough content to fill the necessary minimum requirements to call this steamy pile of words a "sports column," I had to dig deep.

Usually that's when things get weird.

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Life as we blow it: Gone but not forgotten

Posted By on Thu, Jul 24, 2014 at 1:42 PM

The author onstage at Club More circa '00. - STACY MATHIS
  • Stacy Mathis
  • The author onstage at Club More circa '00.

Where you see live music often informs the experience every bit as much as what you’re seeing and hearing. Different environments have different vibes, and let’s face it — a concert doesn’t exist in a vacuum; no matter how much you love to bitch about the loudmouths at the bar, live music is a social experience.

But, just like everything else, venues come and go, often leaving fans with pleasant memories of a certain club with no hope of experiencing it again. It’s as true for the folks who play live music as it is for the ones in the crowd. One of the best things about forging relationships with musicians from around the country and the world is the opportunity to share stories about the long-gone joints of someone else’s hometown, and find the common ground that almost always crops up during such conversations.

In that spirit, here are five late Tampa Bay venues I won’t ever forget, because each of them contributed to some of my favorite — or at least most memorable — music-scene moments.

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Sunday, July 6, 2014

Bill's Sports Binge: World Cup post USA, never over with the Rays and slow sports days

Posted By on Sun, Jul 6, 2014 at 9:53 PM


Great googly-moogly, it's hot (did I mention I was recently promoted to the rank of captain of the obvious? It's pretty sweet). As I type this sports mess, it's currently 94 and cloudy. Cloudy. If the sun peeks through it will cut like a laser beam and your body will explode in a mess of sweaty balls of fire. It is so hot (how hot is it?) that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk, my seat-belt buckle and in my pants. It's also the time when we celebrate our nation's independence by further aggravating possible heat stroke by spending the day outside hovering over a grill and blowing shit up. America ... F*** yeah.

So in the wake of drinking, sweating and possibly losing a finger, let's get you caught up on the world of Tampa Bay sports.

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Saturday, June 21, 2014

Bill's SportsBinge: Rays nation like the mob, US goes for two and the Washington R-words

Posted By on Sat, Jun 21, 2014 at 9:39 AM


Godfather III ... the best of the Godfather franchise by far. I could watch that steamy hot scene where Andy Garcia made dough balls with Coppola's daughter over and over again. Did I mention they played cousins? Italian hillbilly awesomeness. If you missed it, grab a sibling, push play and enjoy the express elevator to hell. Not because of the incest, but because by the time the movie is over you'll wish you watched Smokey and the Bandit III, Jaws IV and Rocky V in a row with a wasabi colonic. (That's right, there are three Smokey and the Bandit movies.)

Yessir, that movie was a colossal turd, shaming respectable mobsters everywhere into telling people at cocktail parties they sell shoes. But there was one line that folks will always remember whether they've seen t or not.

"Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."

Welcome to the Rays famiglia.

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Sunday, June 15, 2014

Bill's Sports Binge: Rays win (seriously), World Cup fever (seriously?) and Miami can't take the heat

Posted By on Sun, Jun 15, 2014 at 7:37 PM


The best part about spending the night clutching the toilet and barfing your shoes out through your nose is the exhilarating relief you feel when it eventually stops. So goes the 2014 season of the worst team in baseball. After losing 10 in a row, our beloved Rays snapped the shit-streak with a win. And there was much rejoicing (yay). Then, before we could pronounce the "k" sound in comeback, they lost four more. And right before we could get to the last "s" in hopeless, boom: Another win, snapping a 31-inning scoreless streak — a team record. And the vomit subsided ... for now. The highlight of Wednesday night's non-loss to the Cardinals was when rookie outfielder Kevin Kiermaier slipped into a phone booth, popped out faster than a speeding bullet and caught a fly ball in flight with the bases loaded, preserving a 1-run lead. If you don't understand the Superman/phone booth reference, we can no longer hang out. This weekend, the Rays mixed it up with the Astros in a three-game series in Houston ... where they, too, have a problem (BAM!). Sunday, the Rays came out on top for the series by winning the third game 4-3. 

Brazil. Home of Carnival, that big honkin' statue of Jesus and the painful removal of every hair follicle from your undercarriage. Also? There seems to be a buttload of soccer games going on up until around mid-July. Teams from all over the world (literally!) descend upon bizarro America. Seriously, the drains spin in the opposite direction, it's winter down there and in Brazil they like their boobs small and their butts big (true story). Yessir, World Cup craziness has definitely set in ... I think. My advice? if soccer just isn't your thing but you like getting swept up in a cavalcade of batshit insanity, get your ass to a pub and mix it up with the hooligans. You may not know what the hell is going on up on the screen, but it won't matter. The perfect mix of jubilation, patriotism and homicidal emotions is a people watcher's paradise. GOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!

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Friday, June 6, 2014

Bill's SportsBinge: Whiners shouldn't win, bobblehead Brooks and Rays reek

Posted By on Fri, Jun 6, 2014 at 4:00 PM


Congratulations graduates. Time to take your vast knowledge of recycling and 2 + 2 = whatever-makes-you-happy and get out there to start blaming others for why you're not a millionaire before 30. If there's one piece of advice I can offer, given the amount of graduation speeches I've delivered, it's this. Having "haters" is not a resume enhancer. Sometimes having haters means you're an asshole.

Another nugget of wisdom which is slowly eroding before our very eyes is, "Quitters never win." Unfortunately, there's a gaggle of Tampa Bay fans in the area who are ... what? ... OK, I never gave a commencement address. Can we move on? Sheesh. Anyway, there's a group of brand-new single-serving New York Ranger fans rooting for Marty St. Louis to win the Stanley Cup this year because he was once a beloved Lightning leader and fan favorite — right up until the time he abandoned his team, his fans and the city because things didn't go his way.

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