It’s pretty obvious that dogs have people right where they want us. They can shit on our floor, chew up our shoes, puke and eat it, and we love and want them anyway because of their ability to be loving and upbeat in just about any circumstance. Because of these endearing traits, we build them parks and boutiques. We set aside gulf-front property where they can frolic freely, and we even put doggy-options on menus at restaurants.
We do all this because we want to make them as happy as they make us with their loyalty, goofiness and unconditional love. It’s become remarkably clear the last several years that dogs are the new children, and they are often coddled as such. Still, you gotta hate the player, not the game. It’s not a dog’s fault that their person does whatever the equivalent of emasculation is to a dog by pushing them in a stroller to doggy yoga.
Some dogs get daycare, cute outfits, and home-cooked food. That’s more than some children get.
Plenty of people don’t want actual kids, and that’s great — population issues and all. Also, dogs can’t talk, so it’s easier to like them. Dogs are a great way to fulfill the need to nurture and still be able to go out at night without having to pay a babysitter. Still, dogs can be just as annoying as kids.
Just ask a cat person.
But cat people are suckers too. Cats, who are easily winning the Kardashian Award for acquiring the most pointless internet attention, are indeed cute and fascinating in their cunning, agility and prowess. But they are also aloof sociopaths that don’t really, actually need us.
The more they lift their tails to flaunt their gross assholes, the more we seem to worship them. Cats have that air of superiority that people fall for, hence the Kardashian Award. And the never-ending internet love. And Grumpy Cat being a draw at ComicCon (and, recently, at our own Tampa Theatre).
Dogs are far more useful to humans than cats; some service dogs can detect imminent seizures in their owners, or help soldiers with their PTSD (show me a cat who even gives half-a-shit about the well-being of the human race). But cats are revered because they play on our weaknesses — our need to be loved by the one who will never really need us back.
That’s why the fact that cats are the favorite of the internet is unfair to dogs like it’s unfair to the nice guy who never gets the girl because she’s busy marveling over the douchebag in the next barstool whose sanskrit tattoos say something about freedom and beauty.
Obviously, cats have us right where they want us, too. But to be fair to cats and dogs, it’s all our own doing. Anytime we commit to picking up another beings’ poop on the reg, that being knows we are its bitch.