Top-knots on dudes have been trending for more than a year in big cities like Los Angeles, New York, London and Melbourne, but lately they’re seeming to gain popularity here in the bay area. Sure, I’d seen one or two at Rollin’ Oats or walking in downtown St. Pete, but at a recent show at Jannus Live there were so many men with top-knots (or man-buns) that my friends and I started counting. Seven. Including the frontman/mandolin player of Yonder Mountain String Band. If you’re not clear, a top-knot is when a long-haired male wraps their hair into a little ball and neatly poises it on top of his head with a rubber band, like a samurai, or a chick.
At first I wondered if maybe top-knots could be the next big man-trend. Maybe it would be the new mustache, which is a little played out. After all, the ironic mustache ceases to be ironic when more than half the dudes at any given hipster bar have one. But after giving it some thought, Top-Knot Guy and Mustache Guy are not the same guy. I know this because it is always accurate to make generalizations about people based on their appearance. Fact.
Sure, both like taking advantage of a current trend. Both spend more time grooming themselves than I do, and both can be spotted riding custom road bikes to locally owned shops. Either might be a vegan, but mustache guy is also likely to relish nuzzling that stylish cookie duster into a grass-fed cheeseburger. Of course, both might have tattoos, but who doesn’t?
Other than those — and only those — similarities, the two types of men are vastly different.
Top-Knot Guy likes his knot because it makes him a feel slightly taller, which puts him just a little closer to the source of power in the universe. ‘Stache Guy likes his mustache because it makes him look ridiculous. I mean distinguished. (Ahem.) Guys with mustaches look distinguished.
Top-Knot Guy is good-looking and he knows it. Not just anyone can pull off the top-knot, no sir. You never really hear him say anything, but you can’t help but notice him. He takes himself seriously, which is just annoying. You’ll see him riding his longboard to do yoga in some public park. He listens to Ray LaMontagne while writing in his journal, sipping pinot grigio, cat curled up at his Birkenstocked feet.
Mustache Man is average looking, but made more interesting to behold by his silly lip-
sweater. He is a cracker of jokes, a roller of his own cigarettes, and an apprentice at a craft brewery. His rescue dog is named Vincent and he takes him everywhere, as made apparent by his Instagram account. He has many friends but he’s hit a dry spell with the ladies since he grew his mustache out.
On the contrary, Top-Knot Guy has some weird sexy appeal. Perhaps because the fellas who rock it are generally already hot, visually anyway. It’s fortunate that they don’t speak much, because they’d say something douchey, like “Namaste.”
Mustache guy belches loudly, but he does drink a lot of beer, so it smells rank.
Either way, it’s pretty clear that top-knots could never be mustaches. But there’s room enough for all the man-hair trends. Beards are hanging tight, and beards can be worn both with the top-knot or the mustache. Bearded guys: They know what’s up.
