Thursday, July 24, 2014

Bill's SportsBinge: Rays, stuff and things

Posted By on Thu, Jul 24, 2014 at 5:20 PM

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To say July is slightly slow in sports is akin to suggesting that the Rays have a wee bit of catching up to do if they don't want to spend October sitting on the couch — a giant luxurious leather couch in front of a 80-inch flatscreen, being fed nachos by topless supermodels so their hands don't get sticky holding their micro-brew. Baseball players are quite wealthy is the general point of the previous stupid joke. The World Cup was a pleasant distraction for the awkward pauses between bar conversations, the All-Star game was great if you were actually there (and you were 12), and of course, the ESPYs (*cough*). So, in order to come up with enough content to fill the necessary minimum requirements to call this steamy pile of words a "sports column," I had to dig deep.


Usually that's when things get weird.


The Tampa Bay Rays have decided to play like they were supposed to, and not a second too soon. Like the poppa tomato said to the baby tomato as he squeezed the the life out of him for lagging behind, "Catch up!" Good Lord, what an awful story about an abusive vegetable murdering his physically challenged toddler. I'm ashamed to have ever found that joke funny as a kid ... Oh, Ketchup! Now I get it. Anyhoo, the more they win, the more likely it becomes that pitcher David Price will remain a Ray, forced to squeak by on a belt-tightening $14 million budget. What's Cinemax like, David? Is it awesome? It sounds awesome.


Chikungunya. It's not just a fun word to say and the cause of multiple spell-check explosions, it's also a pretty nasty virus apparently spread by mosquitoes. And if you're a Floridian who's happened to find yourself outdoors during dawn or dusk, chances are likely you've had your blood sucked out and in rare cases had small pets carried off by these vampires of the insect community. Seriously, why Noah bothered to load up a couple of these micro-douchebags on the Ark is beyond me. The latest victim of Chikungunya may be Rays reliever, Joel Peralta, who's been placed on the 15-day disabled list with high fever, joint pain and back rash — symptoms of the dreaded Chikungunya. A spokesperson for CAMP (Citizens Against Mosquito Persecution) made scathing remarks in a statement via social media accusing the press of overgeneralizing the origin of the disease, calling it a clear case of mosquitopobia. "My fellow peace-loving mosquitoes have been, once again, unjustifiably singled out as disease-carrying blood-suckers," wrote CAMP president, Slurpy McLoveBlood. Shortly after the post, McLoveBlood was tragically smashed in a terrible ass-slapping incident during a badminton tournament. Slurpy is survived by his wife, Buzzi and 42,378 children. There will be no investigation, further enraging members of CAMP.


The Tampa Bay Storm lost to the Spokane (papers rustling) the Spokane Shock Monday night, but the real story is assistant coach and former Buccaneer defensive lineman, Chris Hovan. Remember him? Yeah, he was pretty good. Married a local girl. I liked him. Not so much anymore. He was arrested for domestic violence last month and charged with simple battery, false imprisonment and tampering with a witness. According to the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office, Hoven had a little spat and pushed his wife into a pantry and wouldn't let her out. If it was my pantry, I would have enough snacks for days but my ass would be the one that wouldn't let me out, am I right ladies? After his wife asked their kid to call 911, Hovan took the phone and removed the battery. You can almost hear the Leave it to Beaver theme song. Thankfully, his personal issues are well worth the risk, given what he brings to the table as a defensive coordinator, as the Shock were only able to score 55 measly points. De-fense (clap clap)!


Honorable Afterthoughts: Some asshole radio host, or as they say in Boston, a radio host apologized for calling sports analyst Erin Andrews a "gutless bitch" for not asking a follow-up question during an interview, only to make a follow-up of his own. "I think she stinks at her job. I don't think she's very smart. I think Fox only hired her because she's good-looking. I think if she weighed 15 pounds more, she'd be a waitress at Perkins." Translation: "I'm an insecure, bitter, envious, whiny bitch who couldn't pick up a waitress at Perkins;" as an apology for the embarrassing sports reporters campsite in his front yard, street and garbage cans, LeBron James sent a very nice letter and some cupcakes to his neighbors. A huge improvement to the flaming bags of dog poop he left four years ago; and finally, New York Jets season ticket holders have a new rewards program where they can earn points to win prizes including ride-alongs on team charter flights and even Super Bowl tickets. Points can be accrued by — get this — making it through an entire game without getting ejected for being a drunken pile of humanity. Somewhere, Joe Namath just burped, "Eh, shit."



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