Monday, June 2, 2014

Bill's Sports Binge: Seinfeld edition...an article about nothing

Posted By on Mon, Jun 2, 2014 at 1:54 PM

click to enlarge seinfeld-logo.jpg


One of the best shows on television never let a slow week keep it from slapping together a few laughs. Absolute groundbreaking mastery. And the best part? There was never a need for the dreaded "Very Special Episode" that hijacked a serious topical societal ill and shoe-horned it into the lives of Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer; forcing the entire family to watch and discuss. "Elaine battles her demons of drugs and alcohol stemming from family abuse as a child in this very special episode of Seinfeld."

Wouldn't that just make you want to vomit with rage and punch a kitten?

I miss that show.


Point is, this was one slow-ass week for Tampa Bay sports. Sure, the Rays are winning, then losing, then losing some more before winning and losing again. Sweeping and getting swept, losing players to injury then healing up the boo-boos in time for more injuries. But I'm not exactly inspired to pick them up, nor to pile on. The season changes faster than it took for me to type this sentence (granted, I'm typing with two fingers in my underwear — not sure why I included the underwear part). Over the weekend they played and lost to the Red Sux up at Fenway after taking three out of three the week before at the Trop. Depending on which Jeckyl and Hyde team shows up this week, the Rays will win, or lose. Seriously, I have no fucking idea anymore. The only guarantee coming out of the series last weekend is that the nation of Boston B-holes are the perfect car crash between arrogance and ignorance. I've never seen more pride in a bigger bunch of losers since Jersey Shore.

Speaking of Jersey Shore, NFL's new douche on the block Johnny Manziel spent Memorial Day Weekend honoring our fallen heroes in Vegas (baby), where he was seen hanging out with Pauly D. For those of you with better things to do than watch that dumpster-fire of a reality show (like stabbing your eyes with a hot poker covered in red ants), Pauly D is the "greasy one."

Speaking of first-round busts, former Buccaneer bum Keith McCants was arrested Thursday for driving without a license and possession of drug paraphernalia. For those of you scoring at home, that makes at least a baker's dozen of arrests for the 1990 rookie defender. You may remember him from a 2012 ESPN documentary titled "Broke," in which he viewed being a millionaire at 22 as a huge burden and led to him becoming an addict. Excuse me while I pee my pants laughing for a moment. Talk amongst yourselves. Oh, the woes of having so much money at such a young age, barely old enough to drive. And vote. And smoke. And drink. And go to war. And go to big-boy prison. I'm sure Bill Gates had that same problem.

After the fourth Baltimore Raven was arrested this off-season (rookie running back Lorenzo Taliaferro, for breaking a taxi cab window), head coach John Harbaugh expressed concern over "some of the silliness that has gone on." You know, like that time Ray Rice punched his girlfriend unconscious in a Vegas (baby) elevator? Oh Ray, you're so silly.

Speaking of silly, after just over a month, the New York Giants have released former Buccaneer quarterback, Josh Freeman. I read somewhere that it was due to the fact that he spent most of OTA's sitting in the end zone giggling at bugs. Technically, I read it in the statement above. So did you. And now you can say you read it somewhere, too. I just blew your mind.

Lastly, Cosmo Kramer was the first competitor to be eliminated from the "Who Can Last The Longest Without Masturbating Tournament." After witnessing a naked woman across the apartment building, Kramer was unable to control himself and proceeded to beat the bishop like it owed him money; a record low of 4 minutes and 23 seconds of resistance. Ironically, that's at least a minute longer than it took for him to drop an N-bomb in his brief stint as a stand-up comedian.


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