"I want the entire area scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!"
-Judge Elihu Smails
The judge was referring to Tampa Bay, of course, after the recent Boston and Philadelphia fan infestation over the last week … also? Staph.
Shortly before the Buccaneers hosted the Filthy-delpia Eagles Sunday afternoon, it was discovered that a third player had contracted Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus, a bacteria so riddled with hard-to-pronounce syllables that many antibiotics have no affect. Bucs General Manager Mark Dominik said the team has been working with infectious disease specialists to treat and educate it's players, sanitize its training facility and install new health and safety protocols. In other words, clean your f*****g showers and wear flip-flops.
Oh, the game? Yeah we lost … again … sorry.
I said, Knock knock...(I'm waiting)
Fine, I'll do it. Who's there?
Owen who? (I can tell some of you have heard it already)
Owen 5 (Ha! I tell ya that "Queen my dishes please" kid really knows humor)
It's funny cuz it's true. Bucs are 0-5 for the season and headed to Atlanta where the Falcons are only one game better and desperate for a slump-buster. And the Bucs are just the 3 a.m. fat drunken sorority girl to clear the pipes.
Sunday, rookie quarterback Mike Glennon was better in his second start tossing two touchdowns, and veteran cornerback Darrelle Revis was worse giving up two touchdowns. Overall, there were sparks of growth and improvement, which is to say I've seen the team play much much worse. But you can't get less than zero unless you're Robert Downey Jr. in that '80s movie about crack … dammit, I can't remember the name.
"When we get it turned around, it's going to be really special," head coach Greg Schiano assured fans at a press conference, which I can only assume means Forrest Gump special. And before you send angry letters, keep in mind Gump was All-America at the University of Alabama. The 2013 Buccaneers season is like a box of chocolates. If we stick around and finish the whole thing, we're probably going to puke.
Speaking of puke, the Tampa Bay Rays were bounced from the playoffs last week by the Boston Red Sucks (I hope they checked the visitor dugout for lice after the series) and I just wanted to take this belated opportunity to thank the Rays for a hard-fought season which was equally entertaining and frustrating. And to the Boston faithful, you are all horrible, horrible people and your team looks like Yukon Cornelius with hygiene and meth issues.
While the Tampa Bay area was focused on Rays baseball and rotten Buc-ball, the Lightning started their season winning more than losing. And outside of some early issues with power plays at both ends, the Boltz are off and running for a complete lockout-free season of hockey, punctuated by a Steven Stamkos hat trick in the home opener against the stinkin' Panthers. No, I will not refer to them as the Florida Panthers. Miami is about as Floridian as french fries are French, running around your car at a stoplight is Chinese, or farting in bed is Dutch.
Honorable Afterthoughts: USF became the first team since 2002 to win consecutive games (Cincinnati and UCONN) without scoring an offensive touchdown. The Bulls have a week off to prepare for a home game against the Eighth ranked Louisville Cardinals, who clearly don't have that problem having scored 126 points in the last three weeks (I'd pray for a staph infection); Saturday, the University of Florida lost both the LSU game as well as top running back and Armwood High product Matt Jones for the season. Losing defensive tackle Dominique Easley earlier in the year sucked balls for Gator Nation. After the latest injury, the status is officially upgraded to "donkey" balls; Finally, the worst fan of the week award goes to those of the Houston Texans who cheered when their own quarterback Matt Schaub left the game with an ankle injury, barely edging out the Red Sox fan who snatched a home run ball from a lady and tossed it back on the field. Upon hearing the news, perennial favorite Phili fan vowed to take back the crown by punching a kitten on the 50-yard line next week.