Taking the U Touch Up Vibrator on a first date

Dinner, drinks and a new luxury vibrator — Lauren was making out pretty good on our first date.

We had been drinking and joking about how fast some new daters move, ready to dive heart-first into a committed relationship. With this in mind, I presented Lauren with the U Touch Up vibrator as a symbol of our relationship. Others might have viewed this as moving too fast, but it was the kind of fast I liked.

Lauren was new to vibrators. She feared this might make her a poor choice to review the U Touch Up. I, on the other hand, thought it made her the perfect test subject. Women are hesitant to buy vibrators for a number of reasons. Many are turned off by the idea of inserting what often looks like a medical device or a space-aged dildo-weapon into their vaginas. Most don't realize that the majority of women climax purely from clitoral stimulation and don't benefit from sex toys designed for penetration.

The U Touch Up is devoted to the clitoris, with an ergonomic design meant for exterior use only. It's classy and unassuming. With its pink, velvety finish and white plastic, phthalate-free shell, the U Touch Up would look more like a hidden Easter egg to anyone who stumbles upon it, rather than an embarrassing dildo time-bomb lurking in your sock drawer.

Also, the U Touch Up comes with a USB compatible magnetic charger. Rechargeable sex toys are the only way to go. Power cords always get tangled up, strangling passion, and batteries always need replacing. The only vibrators that could possible justify a power cord are Hitachi-style personal massagers; but, these are like the Ferraris of vibrators, with more power than most people will ever need.

I'm not going to say that the U Touch Up was the key that opened Lauren's room. The alcohol, my devastating good looks, and a series of great decisions all played a part in us ending up in her bed at the conclusion of our first date. But, as soon as our clothes started flying off like wrapping paper, it wasn't long before the vibrator was out of the box.

Luckily I had toyed with the machine a few days before to work out any kinks and to be prepared to perform in such a moment. I was glad I had too, as the device required hours of charging and it took me more than a day to figure out how to turn it on. The touchscreen buttons confounded me. As an owner of an imitation blackberry cellphone, my fingers have yet to acclimate to smartphone technology.

I fired the machine to life and slid it into position atop Lauren's underwear. Impatient to please, I began working the toy back and forth like a DJ repeatedly scratching the best part of a record. This was more distracting than pleasurable. The vibrator just needed to be held in place, with slight adjustments in positioning, pressure and intensity. Slowly, Lauren's hand took control of the U Touch Up. This was subtle, but significant. Some women are hesitant to take the reins, to take responsibility for their own orgasms. Instead of thinking I was doing something wrong, I took the switch as a sign that her apprehensions about the machine were melting beneath the pleasure it was igniting.

Soon Lauren's eyes retreated beneath her lids and our kissing gave way to her heavy breaths. The vibrator had taken her some place I could not. Then the U Touch Up slipped under her underwear, again going a place I could not follow, at least not yet.

"I want to feel this all day," Lauren said.

She had reached the level of arousal when women say whatever comes to mind, no matter how embellished or impractical. Other favorites of mine include, "You're huge!" or "You're the best ever!"

However, even as an experienced—though unlicensed—vibrator operator and overseer, the test drive was not without a few snags. In the mix of bed sheets, bodies and clothes, we kept accidentally hitting the touch screen buttons, changing the intensity and pulse pattern. Once we even shut the machine off. Like the bold sexual adventurers we were, we pushed on, figuring out the best way to hold the toy without hitting the buttons.

The only other issue Lauren had was her paranoia that her housemates could hear the subtle buzzing of the machine over reruns of The Office. I wanted to say her housemates were far more likely to hear her moans, or the creaking of bedsprings, but I decided against this as I wanted to encourage her moaning and the creaking of bedsprings. I assured her that her housemates would only hear the toy if the vibrator went rogue, jumped on the hardwood floor and rattled around. Still, she could not put this paranoia to bed, which was unfortunate, as apprehension is the enemy of arousal.

In the end, Lauren didn't reach the orgasm finish-line during her first experience with the U Touch Up, though I doubt this was a defect of the machine. I'm convinced that when she plays with the toy alone, free from the fear of nosy housemates, and without me watching her — making mental notes of her arousal states — she'll have no problem letting go and getting off with the vibrator.

I suspect the real problem was that I was lying next to her, a thick slab of man-bacon sizzling on her bedsheets, and she could think of nothing else but devouring me. This is the highest compliment I can pay the U Touch Up. Not only did this unassuming sex toy allow a newbie to experience a sensation she never had, but it did all the heavy leg work in terms of stimulating and seducing Lauren. Now it was my turn to go a place that the U Touch Up could not follow.

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