Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Signs of the asspocalypse

Posted by on Wed, Jan 2, 2013 at 7:30 AM

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  • Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
If you, too, are disappointed that the Mayans were unable to predict the end of our civilization — especially after being unable to predict the end of their own civilization — you're not alone. Imagine all those people who will now have to spend the rest of their lives paying off credit card debt amassed from stockpiling guns and quality whack-off materials, or those who will have to return to hunting for jobs with fresh "YOLO" or "Carpe Diem" tattoos. Fret not. There's plenty of other things to be pessimistic about. While we wait for the Internet oracles and pirate radio doomsayers to settle on a new date for the world's end, take comfort in these sure signs that your sex and/or love life is doomed in your own private asspocalypse of 2013. (Note: Many of these have to do with the Internet because it's the last refuge for desperate people hoping to find sex and love.)

-Your fortune cookie slip reads: "You will receive a blessing from a recent act of charity," to which your rebound girlfriend adds, "... In bed!"

-You discover your first gray pubic hair and don't bother plucking it.

-After an ex messages you to ask how you are doing, you write a lengthy response about how great your life is, which takes two days to compose.

-After going to the same coffeehouse each morning for a year, artfully flirting with the barista and "liking" everything she posts on Facebook, you wonder if it's finally time to take the next step — to ask if she would like to take a test drive with you in the convertible you are thinking about buying.

-You tell yourself your wife is right and that you need to learn your lesson about respecting her privacy after you find texts from her co-worker asking which panties she is wearing today.

-You subscribe to premium cable channels in hopes that the new boom of graphic sex scenes in original programming will recharge your sex life. When your wife falls asleep after the displays of young virile men, you stay up watching infomercials for Ageless Male.

-You tell yourself that you've finally got the better of those assholes from college who always got the pretty girl. While those guys are still single, you married the pretty girl and became stepdad to the cock-blocking kids she had with some asshole she met in college.

-You find yourself regularly having lunch in your car outside your ex's house.

-Your wife begs you to act out scenes from 50 Shades of Grey, then has to repeatedly remind you that you're only supposed to pretend to inflict pain on her.

-Instead of looking up photos on Facebook of a potential blind date, you check him out on Linkedin, then you use his work history, his job title, and the company he works for to estimate his salary.

-After checking your husband's search history, you Google the term, "T-girl pegging."

-You convince yourself to finally file for divorce after a stripper tells you that "You only live once," and that she would definitely date a guy like you if she were single.

-You order your first pair of body-shaping underwear but you convince yourself the garment is lingerie as opposed to Spanx because you got it from Victoria's Secret.

-You start to believe that forgetting to take your birth control pills is a natural way to land a husband.

-You cry to a friend about how your crush at work invited you out for happy hour drinks then spent the whole time chatting to coworkers who intruded on your "date."

-You sit alone at a bar for hours in your most boobtastic outfit only to realize that everything that once made you "interesting" to talk to at a bar vanished with your youth.

-After ranting on Facebook about how immature your boyfriend is, the following day you switch your relationship status from "single" to "engaged."

-Instead of searching online for Asian porn you search for Asian massage parlors.

-The woman you just met says, "Don't worry. You don't need a condom with me," and you fuck her anyway because you realize she is the prettiest woman you can ever hope to impregnate.

-All the guys you like only agree to come to your apartment after you "accidentally" run into them around 1 a.m. at their favorite bar.

-You sign a lease or marriage papers with a person you have previously called the police on to settle a domestic dispute.

-You fail to notice that the man you are dating possesses none of the qualities you listed as essential on your dating profile, and that your attraction is based solely on the fact that he likes you.

-You walk in on him masturbating to Cake Boss.

-You realize at 40 that your high school girlfriend will never realize her mistake in breaking up with you.

-You find yourself composing thoughtful and flirtatious responses to emails like this: "My name's Galina. I am from Ukraine. 
Have you ever heard that the loveliest girls in the world live in my country? Don't even doubt!..."

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