I assumed my husband would be delivering one of those items in honor of our 25th wedding anniversary. Instead he brought home the news that he was leaving me for a beautiful blonde. When I finally absorbed the news, I was like, “Well this fucking sucks.” Not only was there to be no outdoor kitchen or new patio furniture; there was to be no husband either.
After several thousand drunk texts in which I overused the word "motherfucker," two "Cease and Desist" letters from my husband’s attorney forbidding me from displaying his Rolexes in the front yard under the sign “Free to a good home," and one finalized divorce later, I was selling myself online. Not in the Heidi Fleiss sense, but in the sense that I had joined several dating sites — which can feel like the same thing. What is creating an appealing online profile if not crafting a sales pitch to distinguish yourself from the billions of other newly divorced women exploring the world of online dating?
If you are a woman over 40 and recently single, or a not so recently single woman who has not seen a penis since you were wearing Bonnie Belle Lip Smackers, this process may petrify you. But trust me, it is the way to go. How many more arranged fix-ups do you need to suffer through? How many more times must you tell your friends, “Gosh I don’t know why he’s never married? I’m sure someone will snap him right up once he finishes the 12-step-program and comes to terms with his latent homosexuality.”
My advice to you, if you are looking for a date, a companion, a long term relationship, or just a good roll in the hay, get yourself online, ASAP. So what if you are over 40? According to the census bureau, 29% of people aged 45-59 are single. People over 50 make up match.com’s fastest growing segment with a 300% increase since 2000. What’s your next excuse?
“I am physically hideous.” Stop that. I know it may be hard for those of us who have been left behind for younger models to feel attractive, sexy, or even fuckable, but push forward and you will find that you are all of those things. We can be sexier during this time of our lives than ever before, and I’m not talking about that inner beauty horse shit. I am talking about oozing sex and confidence from every pore. Here’s what you need to do.
Take an honest look in the mirror (with your readers on). Does your hair need to be cut, colored, straightened or extended? Do it! Is a facial and some new make up in order? Do it! Are there a few extra pounds hanging around? Step away from the Cosmos and Appletinis and head over to the vodkas and diet tonics with a splash of lime. Rediscover the gym. Find something you like, spin class, pilates or yoga, and burn baby burn. You will start to feel the sexiness begin to simmer. A few fun dates will bring it up to a full boil. I’m not saying you have to act on your new found sex appeal (though it seems a shame to waste it), but just knowing it’s there will make you feel like a new woman.
What’s that? You don’t know what to talk about on a first date? First let me tell you what not to talk about. Your ex. And don’t come off as a man-hater. Not good. During my divorce my style of conversation took on a hard, brittle edge. One time a friend and I were sitting in her kitchen and her husband came in, opened the fridge and said, “We’re out of milk.” When he left the room I stood up and said, “OMG. You don’t have to put up with that shit! I’ll help you pack.” Men pick up on your negative energy. So get all of that out of your system before the date.
Ask questions, but don’t go right for the “What do you do?” which men often hear as “Do you make more money than I do?" Of course we are dying to know, but we can’t ask, yet. I often start with “How was your day?” Don’t spend hours talking about your dog Mitzi, or worse yet, your cat Snuggles. Do talk about current events, (though stay away from politics at first) and hobbies you both enjoy. Please, please don’t bore him with that fucking scrap booking crap. Cool hobbies, like wine tasting (which sounds better than saying drinking), kayaking, skiing, and boating. You probably don’t need to mention that time you were on the Pirate Ship in Clearwater after too many jello shots, standing topless on the bow yelling, “It's a pirate's life for me!"
The main thing is to get started! Once I accepted the reality of my divorce and began searching for a new man, it was a fabulous journey. Sure there were a few bad comb-overs and a few sob sessions over ex wives, but I had more good dates than bad. I will go into all of that in much more detail next time, when we will also dive into the topic of, "To anal bleach, or not to anal bleach?"
Read more by AmyKoko at AmyKoko.com