Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Bill's Sports Binge: Better Bucs, USF "skips" Holtz's contract and Longo loves us long time

Posted By on Wed, Dec 5, 2012 at 3:32 PM

$100 MILLION MAN: Rays 3B Evan Longoria will be with us for many years to come.
  • Keith Allison
  • $100 MILLION MAN: Rays 3B Evan Longoria will be with us for many years to come.

The Buccaneers lost another game they may very well could have won, this one in the Mile-Stoned City and by only eight points, the most Tampa Bay has been beaten by all year. (I know, right?) And if it wasn’t for that Denver stud, Mitch Unrein (huh?), the Bucs just might have had a better shot at the upset. In case you’ve been living under a rock in the Ozarks with ear-buds pumping Rebecca Black (Who? Google her!), Mitch Unrein is a second-year defensive lineman out of football-factory Wyoming who caught the first touchdown pass of the game (wait, what?) from Denver quarterback Peyton Manning and hit Tampa Bay quarterback Josh Freeman just as he threw the pick-6 in the third quarter, sending most living rooms into a simultaneous rendition of “Aw, come on!”

Big Picture Alert: With four games left, if the Bucs don’t win again this year, they’re still better than last season’s record by two. So no matter what happens between now and then, one thing is for sure. The 2011 Tampa Bay Buccaneers sucked harder than Honey Boo Boo on a McDonald’s shake. Good God, is that not the most nauseatingly graphic example of the end of civilization ever to be televised? And I hear that Honey Boo Boo show isn’t much better. Hey-ohhh!

Speaking of the big picture, the Buccaneers will officially celebrate the 10-year anniversary of their Super Bowl championship team when they host the Philadelphia Eagles this Sunday. From the favorites (Derrick Brooks) to the assholes (Keyshawn Johnson), many of the players from the 2002 squad will be in attendance. During an interview on 620 WDAE, the latter mentioned that he expected and was in fact looking forward to being booed during the halftime ceremony. You stay classy, Keyshawn. Crap, I already used a Honey Boo Boo reference. Meanwhile, the Eagles are thankfully limping into Tampa on an eight-game losing streak, which is almost as painful as being from Philadelphia. Nevertheless, Bucs fans are warned not to look directly at Eagles fans to avoid a potential carnival-trash-like altercation … or throwing up.

HOLTZ OUT: USF Bulls football coach Lou Holtz was given the boot.
  • HOLTZ OUT: USF Bulls football coach Lou Holtz was given the boot.

After a franchise-worst 3-9 record, including a disappointing loss to the South Central Louisiana State Mud Dogs (for a split second, you believed me), USF fired football head coach Skip Holtz and bought out the remaining five years of his contract, which was extended only last year. After going 1-6 in the Big East with conference powerhouses such as Connecticut, Temple and Pitt, the only thing Skip can say he has over his father, legendary coach Lou Holtz, is that he can give a pre-game speech without soaking his players in spittle.

Rays dreamy third baseman Evan Longoria became the newest member of the $100 million club after signing a 10-year contract with Tampa Bay worth $136.6 million to be exact (whoa, that’s a lot of HBO). At 162 games a season, that shakes out to roughly $84,000 a game, whether he plays or not. When factoring in potential injuries, and by “potential” I mean “inevitable,” it’s mathematically impossible to read a game-day check without putting a pinkie in the corner of your mouth.
“With that kind of scratch, I’ll never run out of ice in my whole life,” said Longoria’s hamstring.

Quicker Hits: With the lockout at yet another standstill as of press time, NHL labor talks are set to resume again this week with six owners and players, including Lightning owner Jeff Vinik (Twinkie the Kid will mediate the negotiations)… After suffering injuries from a two-car accident in upstate New York Saturday night, 17-year-old student Matt Hardy got a phone call from Jets quarterback Tim Tebow (I can see why he’s a cancer in the locker room)… What’s in the bowl, bitch? Florida to play Louisville in the Sugar Bowl, Florida State heads to the Orange Bowl to bitch-slap MAC Champion Northern Illinois, and the USF Bulls will hit Beef O’Brady’s (the one on MacDill, not the bowl)… Finally, head ball coach Steve Spurrier gets a two-year contract extension that will keep him at South Carolina through 2017, making him the biggest Cock since Bob Costas. POW!

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