Thursday, October 4, 2012
Top 10 tips on sex from Notes to My Future Husband: A Bitch's Guide to Our Happily Ever After
Posted by Shawn Alff on Thu, Oct 4, 2012 at 9:45 AM
Fingerblasting: Please wash your hands after handling jalapenos. Nothing kills the mood quicker than me screaming in agony, running to the freezer, and spending the next half hour with ice cubes up my snatch.
Proper Technique: There's something about tying my hair back before giving you a blowjob that makes me feel like a fucking samurai.
Wienering: Workday sexting can be a fun distraction, but please don't send me pictures of your penis unless you've done something funny like put a doughnut around it.
Public Displays of Affection: I'll never be cool with you being all kissy face with me in front of other people, but if you want to sneak off and fuck in a spot where we might get caught, I'm totally down.
Batteries: If I ever have to steal the batteries from your remote control to use in my vibrator, you should probably take the hint.
Lotion: Did you use my Creme de la Mer moisturizer to jerk off? You idiot. That shit costs more per ounce than Vegas cocaine.
Coasters and Condoms: You didn't think just because we got married you'd get to stop using them, did you?
Promiscuity: You know better than to ask how many men I've slept with, and I know better than to have ever kept track.
Fantasies: Yours will not have anything to do with football.
Backrubs or Blowjobs: I'm ridiculously good at both, but you can only pick one.
Follow The Coguette on Twitter @CokeTweet, read more by her at TheCoquette.net, and buy her book at NotesToMyFutureHusband.com.
Related Stories
Comments (1)
Showing 1-1 of 1
Latest in Daily Loaf
-
Boy Scouts of America decision to take in openly gay youth as members a bitter pill for John Stemberger to swallow
The conservative leader says he's leaving the Scouts and will form a new "character development organization for boys."
-
2013 Tropical Heatwave video recap
The CL video recap of WMNF's annual Tropical Heatwave music festival, which was held on May 10 and 11 in Ybor City.
-
Major rallies against Monsanto planned this Saturday in Tampa and St. Petersburg
Concerns about genetically modified foods have caused more than 30 states to consider labeling laws.
- More »
More by Shawn Alff
-
Between the sheets: top 10 most provocative books out this month
The best books on sex, sexuality, and gender out this March.
-
6 views of 15 Views of Tampa Bay
A meta-interview on a collection of 15 linked stories by 15 local authors.
- More »
