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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sports / humor

Bill's Sports Binge: Draft hindsight, Wonderlic and WTF Noles?

Posted by on Thu, May 3, 2012 at 11:08 AM

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As I watched the NFL Draft last Thursday night holding a beer in one hand and trying to get a bartender's attention for a second beer with the other, I'll admit I was hoping for Trent Richardson. Contrary to everything we've learned about the risks of picking high on running backs (durability, dog-year football lifespan, may decide weed is more important), I just kept coming back to him. Why? (Forget it, Bill. He's a Brown. How is this relevant now?) Shut up, Rational Bill! Dead-horse Bill is talking...what an asshole. Anyway, I'll tell you why. Five hundred carries without a drop and only one fumble in his entire college career. Money! Now he's headed to Cleveland where the nicest thing you can say about that city is the Cuyahoga River hasn't caught fire in over 40 years. Kudos!

Then the Buccaneers pulled the old switcharoo on us pseudo-experts and picked the Alabama safety Mark Barron over the DB Claiborne. No problem. Anybody on that championship defense is a stud, we need a safety as much as any other defensive player, and the guy hits like John Lynch. Plus after Morris Claiborne scored about as high as Morris the cat on the Wonderlic Test, there was speculation whether or not the kid could pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.

He scored a 4 out of a possible 50. Lowest in the history of the test since Tom Landry introduced it in the ’70s. (Huh? Tom Landry was the coach of the Cowboys, Morris...in Dallas...Texas...it's a state...you're playing there this year...football...because they used to have cowboys there...what?...did you poop your pants?) I could do this all day. When asked about the test you need a 10 or higher to be considered literate, naturally Claiborne defended his inaction.

"I mean, I looked on the test and wasn't nothing on the test that came with football, so I pretty much blew the test off." Claiborne told reporters.

Wasn't nothing on the test that came with football. Yep! He blew it off alright. Know what else don't come with football, Morris? Drugs, DUI's, dog-fighting, shootings, domestic violence, bankruptcy, or a fleet of baby-mamas. But the papers sure do seem to be chock full of football players getting all up in that sort of stuff every off-season.

Seriously, folks, he may not be that dumb. But blowing off something a prospective employer expects of you because you've personally deemed it irrelevant is a dumb decision. And shows a fundamental character flaw we may see a little later. For a contract I was bound to get, I'd be willing to parallel park a manure truck on fire. And I'm fairly sure that wasn't nothing that came with football.

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Quicker Hits: Speaking of Dallas ding-a-lings, former Cowboy offensive lineman and current UFL Sacramento (papers rustling)...um...Mountain Lion, Torrin Tucker was arrested Tuesday night and charged with four felonies — possession of cocaine with intent to sell, possession of hippie-lettuce with intent to sell, delivery of said lettuce and possession of a Smith & Wesson with 11 hollow points during commission of a felony (Local police were shocked...that the UFL still existed. Hey-ohhh!); former Yankees all-star Hideki Matsui hopes to make it back to the bigs with the currently wasabi-hot Rays by working his way up through the minors first in Port Charlotte, then hopefully with the Durham Bulls by mid-May (If Susan Sarandon's butter-face doesn't light a wok under his ass, nothing will); the NBA playoffs are going on.....(cough!); finally, in an attempt to appeal to small children interested in football and...pantyhose(?), Florida State released Cimarron (pictured left...or through my eyes on the right), an adorable little horsey that enjoys beating a double team, sacking the QB, then giving him a fabulous makeover. I thought we wanted less bullying.

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