Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The year of the penis pic: top 10 celebrity penis pics of 2011 (NSFW)

Posted By on Wed, Dec 28, 2011 at 1:39 PM

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In 2010 sex tapes and nude photos of famous mistresses dominated the news—at least the news involving sex scandals. In 2011, famous penises made their presence felt. The trend kicked off in late 2010 when news broke that Brett Favre sent creepy voicemails and pictures of his sidewinding penis to a sidelines reporter. In 2011, other celebrities stripped down to participate in the penis-showing game. This rise of celebrity penis pictures may be attributed to several forces. One was the popularity of twitter as a means for stars to connect with horny fans, as well as to accidentally send naked photos to all of their followers. Another factor was the popularity of smart-phones, which have made it easier than ever to send, and post, sext messages.

The below penis pictures were ranked based on the following criteria: the celebrity's star power; the picture's authenticity; the accompanying sext messages; the context; and most importantly the impact the penis had on the celebrity's career or the world.

10. Neal Schon:
Schon, the guitarist for Journey, is a late entry in this penis-pic grand-prix. His naked photo first appeared briefly on TheDirty.com. The site claimed the photo was intercepted via Facebook by the husband of the woman for whom the picture was intended. A source close to Schon claims the guitarist has received threats for years from a person who claimed he/she had Schon's stolen phone and would release the photos to the public. It is too early to tell but the incident could be connected to the Schon’s latest girlfriend, Michaele Salahi—a fame-starved reality star, who left her husband in September to date Schon.

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9. Hosea Chanchez:
I have no idea who Hosea Chanchez is, nor have I heard of the CW show, The Game, on which he plays a quarterback. Still, his name kept coming up in my search for leaked celebrity pictures, so I assume he must be important to someone. The candid photos of Chanchez seem to have been taken by someone else's cellphone while Chanchez was brushing his teeth and heading into the shower. Chanchez freely admits that the grainy photos are of him but he obviously did not take the pictures or send them to someone as an attempt at seduction. The only point of contention in the story is who took the photos and from what vantage point. The images look like they were snapped from a bed, but Chanchez claims they were taken through the window.

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8. Michael Stipe:
R.E.M.'s frontman, Michael Stipe, is the only guy on this list who appears to have intentionally posted nude photos of himself. The video that contains the images looks as though Stipe placed a motion-activated camera near his vanity mirror to document what the musician sees of himself everyday in the mirror—which is a bit hairy and unkempt. If only for the fact that Stipe doesn't seem to be trying to impress anyone, the video and the pictures are kind of interesting. However, as far as this competition goes, Stipe is ranked poorly because he did not fluff or manscape before hand and because these images were not paired with absurd sext messages. Like Schon's photos, they also emerged about ten years too late for anyone to care.

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7. Greg Oden:
Sitting out last season with a knee injury, the Blazer's center, Greg Oden, may have had a bit too much time on his hands. When nude photos of a man resembling Oden surfaced on WorldStarHipHop.com, Oden did not deny the photos were of him, nor did he claim that he had been hacked. He simply apologized publicly to his fans, saying that the photos were very embarrassing. Even though he is ranked #7, he gets the first place prize for handling this minor scandal in the most honest and professional manner.

6. Justin Timberlake:
The leaked photos attributed to Timberlake have never been confirmed as belonging to him. Still, the mere rumor of Timberlake having nude photos is enough for him to make the list. Several photos surfaced after Mila Kunis' phone was hacked. Two confirmed pictures of Justin were found: one of him in bed and another of him wearing pink panties on his head. The penis picture had no other body parts visible, which makes it difficult to identify. Even if the bodiless penis did not belong to Timberlake, the question remains: whose penis was Kunis carrying around on her phone?

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5. Tito Ortiz:
An image of Tito Ortiz smiling as he looks at his naked body in the mirror appeared on the fighter's twitter account. Soon after the image surfaced, Ortiz tweeted that someone had hacked his phone. Both tweets were later deleted. Even if his phone was hacked, one has to wonder why Ortiz took this photo and for whom. Everyone knows dudes aren't supposed to be smiling in nude photos intended for female audiences. You are supposed to look reflective and stoic. Smiling is just creepy.

4. Ron Artest:
L.A. Lakers star, Ron Artest, allegedly sent naked photos of himself to a fan he met on twitter. This immediately raises the question: if he sends these photos to women he has never met, what does he send to women he is dating?

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The woman submitted the photos and a transcript of her conversation with Artest to Deadspin.com, allegedly without asking to be paid for the content. When a reporter called Artest to inform him about the photos, Artest denied the incident, then lashed out on twitter against the woman and the media. One of his messages went like this: "Girl said she got pics of me and going to media!! I could care less!! No money for you!! Stop having the media call my phone!!" The texts and tweets would have ranked Artest's photo at a more prominent position in this list but the penis in question looks like it needs to take a bath.

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3. Tyrann Mathieu:
LSU's Heisman Trophy finalist, Tyrann “Honey Badger” Mathieu, made the mistake of going on twitter to profess his love for his girlfriend. Immediately he started receiving tweets from women who claimed he had slept with them. The football star kept proclaiming his love for his girlfriend. The next day, a shirtless picture and a penis shot appeared on MediaTakeOut, allegedly of Mathieu. Although the pictures are headless, Mathieu suddenly went quiet, which would seem to suggest these photos were of him, or that he was afraid of what other pictures the women might release if he kept preaching about his love for his girlfriend. Or maybe he was just as impressed as everyone else by the appendage these women said was his.

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2. Chris Brown:
Although he is one of the youngest players in this list, Brown's picture was one of the most impressive. When this photo emerged, Brown did not deny its authenticity. Some even suspect the photo was a publicity stunt to promote the release of Brown's fourth studio album, F.A.M.E. A few celebrity bloggers thought the penis picture would hurt Brown's career. I disagree. After surviving allegations that he beat Rhiana, there's very little that could come out about Brown that would torpedo his career. In fact, Brown may be taking a cue from Charlie Sheen—who also has a history of violence—by embracing his bad boy image.

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1. Anthony Weiner:
Weiner has one of the least impressive and exposed penises on this list, yet his made the biggest impact. Weinergate started when the Congressman sent a sext message to a 21-year-old woman via twitter. For several days he claimed he was hacked, yet he refused to ask the FBI or the U.S. Capitol Police to investigate the alleged crime. What started with a picture of Weiner's junk bulging in his undies led to several self-portraits, including one of his erect penis. Eventually Weiner finally admitted to sending sexually explicit content to women both before and during his marriage. However, he denied ever meeting or having a physical relationship with these women. On June 16, 2011, Weiner resigned from Congress.

These pictures were not just ranked #1 because they ended a political career, but because they were accompanied by transcripts of Weiner's sext messages. Much like penis pics, it is impossible to send sext messages that are not ridiculous when taken out of context. Example: "...Wow, a jewish girl who sucks cock. This thing is ready to do damage." Listen to a dramatic reading of Weiner's sext messages by Bill Maher and Jane Lynch here.

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