Going to a porn convention is a lot like speed dating. The difference is that the amount of time a porn star spends with you is directly dependent on how much of her merchandise you buy, or how much press you can give her. With that said porn stars do occasionally fall in love with flamboyantly masculine fans such as myself. Based on my experiences with Chanel Preston at Exxxotica Miami, what follows are some telltale signs that an adult entertainer wants to get in your pants, and not just to empty your wallet.

-Her people called my people: The moment Chanel Preston’s PR team at Fine Ass Marketing found out that I was coming to Exxxotica, they set up an “exclusive interview,” (i.e. date) for us. I had already “interviewed” Preston half a year before when she was at NightMoves collecting one of her six awards for Best New Starlet of 2010. Our “interview” ended up with me in her hotel room, photographing Preston in lingerie we had picked out at a sex shop. Sure there were two large guys in the room with us, but that was only because they could sense my sexual charisma. They were invested in Preston’s career and knew that just one thirty-nine second love-fest with me was more than enough time to make Preston give up porn for love.

-She overdressed: Preston dressed as if I was picking her up for prom: professional makeup, heels, and a skintight dress that her nipples poked through like heat-seeking missiles searching for me.

-She remembered my name: I don’t mean to brag, but my name has been forgotten by an impressive list of porn stars. Preston remembered my name with the kind of ease that made me suspect she had written “Mrs. Chanel Alff” a thousand times on notebook paper.

-We swapped spit:
“What the hell are you drinking?” I asked.

“Vita Coco Coconut water” Preston said. “It tastes kind of gross. Would you like some?”

This invitation to swap spit was the equivalent to her saying, “I want to be all up in you.” Not to mention that the Vita Coco was a natural energy drink. What do you think she needed all that extra energy for? You guessed it. She was gearing up to pounce on me like a sexual tsunami.

-She wants me to paint her nude:
“Have you ever been finger-painted?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t know if I would want to be finger-painted,” Preston said. “That sounds like a five-year-old would be painting me. I would love to be professionally body painted, but not just because some pervert wanted to paint me.”

This was an obvious invitation for me to paint her, as I am neither a five-year-old nor a pervert.

-She only hurts the ones she loves: Preston's boyfriend Mark informed me that he owned various swords as trophies from winning body building contests. I asked if Preston had ever chased him around the house with one of these weapons.

“She almost did, once,” Mark said. “She randomly punches me in the chest. She’s not a real violent person… I have to watch her though. I don’t want to push her over the edge. I haven’t seen her get in the red zone yet.”

“You have to be very close to me in order to get me in the red zone,” Preston said. “You have to be my best friend or my boyfriend… The more I care about you the worse I treat you.”

This more than explained why Preston had not contacted me in the half year since that magical afternoon we shared in her hotel room. She hated that a person she loved lived so far away.

-Trouble is brewing at home: Aside from the previous exchange, which clearly revealed the volatility of her relationship, Preston had recently moved out of Mark’s house in Hawaii to LA to be closer to her work.

“I’ve been working a lot so it doesn’t feel like I moved,” Preston said. “I’ve spent so much time there the last year so it feels the same.”

“How often do you go back?”

“I haven’t gone back,” she said, “but I’m going back soon, though just for one day next week.”

It doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to see that she is distancing herself from Mark and moving closer to me in Florida.

-She has been thinking about me: When asked if Preston sells her old underwear online as is the trend with other adult performers, she said this:

“I’m not going to say I wouldn’t do that, but I haven’t done that yet. I guess I just have other things I’ve been doing than selling my underwear.”

What do you think those other things are? That's right. She has been making mosaics of me out of dried macaroni and glue.

-She wants me to co-star with her: Preston explained the finer nuances of her work in a "blow bang" scene for Justice League XXX. In the movie she uses her Wonder Woman powers to suck the life-force out of a team of super heros. This led to a discussion of her future in porn. I suggested she make her directorial debut with the first “porn on ice” as an homage to her Alaskan roots.

“Can I steal that idea?” Preston said. “I’ll reference you in the credits.”

“Why don’t you just let me be in the movie,” I said. “I’ll be the guy riding the Zamboni.”

“Yeah, you’ll be the Zamboner guy.”

What more evidence do you need that Chanel Preston is hopelessly in love with me. She has a pet name for my penis.

Follow Preston on twitter at Twitter.com/ChanelPreston and signup to be one of the first to view her new website at ChanelPreston.com

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