Men constantly think about sex. Unfortunately when drunk, lonely, or desperate, this desire is sometimes expressed with inanimate objects. In adolescences, many boys "practice" sex with some pretty strange stuff---sandwich bags, heated peanut butter sandwiches, sofas---basically anything they can lube up or stick their willies in. While most men have had sex with inanimate objects behind double locked doors, though most won't admit it, problems occur when these relationships are expressed publicly. Unlike most men who may entertain such fleeting thoughts as, "I wonder what it's like to hump that inflatable dolphin floaty," the following men actually acted on their impulses, and were caught.
Now, before you female readers start passing judgment on these men, consider that your precious sex toys are all inanimate objects. Also, I know many women who freely admit to pleasuring themselves on hot tub jets in the company of others. The only difference is that when men do it, they need a team of firemen to free them.
suspicion of being a creepster, dont shop for your wardrobe at Molesters Unlimited. Verle Peter Dills, 60, was arrested in South Dakota when he was caught in a someone's backyard wearing a trench coat and panty hose while holding a camcorder. The police found hours of tape featuring two years worth of Dills banging street signs. The footage also included him in an all leather S&M outfit grinding against a door frame, masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked, and digging a hole to plant some man seed.
-Videotapes and a Gumball Machine: (9/09) Rick C. Musgnung, 32, was caught twice at a 48 Hours Video store in Pennsylvanian rubbing his crotch on videos as well as humping the floor and a gumball machine. After he performed these acts, he told the girl working there that she must attract a lot of business. Read more at lehighvalleylive.com
-Flashlight: (3/09). Herbert Boothroyd, 61, fondled himself while two women walked their dogs at a nature reserve in Surrey, and even shouted hello as they passed. Hours later he was seen by two schoolboys sitting on a bench completely naked. Boothroyd showed the boys a newspaper clipping of two men kissing. When police arrived, he informed them that he just wanted to cheer himself up. He also told them that he had inserted a stick and a flashlight in his ass because he was depressed. A search of his home revealed numerous newspaper clippings of flashers and related court cases, as well as a diary with fictional entries about his violent sexual fantasies. Boothroyd has previous convictions for indecent exposure in 1973 and indecent assault and gross indecency in 1991. Read more at thesun.co.uk
-Mannequin: (8/2010) Who hasn't molested a mannequin? You're bored shopping with your girlfriend and you see this busty figure in a saucy, low-cut number. Why not admire the softness of the material? West Virginia man, Eddie M. Campbell, 61, took this impulse to the next level. He was caught in a public park next to a residential area and church, shirtless with his pants around his ankles sitting on a park bench with an armless mannequin on his lap. He held the mannequin with one arm and pleased himself with the other. When he spotted the cops, he pushed his date aside and tried to act natural. He was arrested. No word on if he has a preference for armless mannequins or if they're just easier to maneuver, if the mannequin was male or female, or if it was clothed or unclothed. I can only speculate that Campbell picked the model up at the mall before taking her on the romantic stroll. Read more at dailymail.com
-Car Wash Vacuum: (2/09) Michigan man, Jason L. Savage, 29, pleaded no contest to indecent exposure after being caught having sex with a car wash vacuum at 6:45 in the morning. mlive.com
-Tree: (1/10) There's nothing worse than falling in love with a tree, then getting banned from the park where that tree lives after you're caught romancing it. 21-year-old tree hugger, William Shaw, dropped his pants and went straight into simulated sex with his arboreal love during the middle of the day. He was soon arrested. Read more at thescottishsun.co.uk
-Another Tree: (12/08) Tampa man, Jose Raul Moreno-Lopez, exposed himself in an apartment complex before humping a tree in the presence of five children. He was charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition and disorderly intoxication. Read more at tbo.com
-Fence: Daniel French, 24, made "sexual motions" towards metal railings in London after being challenged by police. The arresting officers claimed he shouted things like, "'I'm going to have sex with that fence." However, French claimed he was surrounded by three large officers who were pushing him against the fence, trying to provoke him. Read more the telegraph.co
-A Bicycle: fifty year old Scottish man Robert Stewart was disturbed in a hostel by two cleaning women who caught him mid-stride, having sex with a bicycle. They knocked on the door several times. When there was no reply they came in and found Stewart wearing only a T-shirt while moving his hips back and forth against the bike. He acknowledged the cleaning women saying, "What is it, hen?" then, like an endurance racer refusing to quit, continued humping the bike. Perhaps he even staged the whole thing as a way to organize a three-way bike orgy where the cleaning women would wipe down the handle bars while he greased the axles. He was arrested for sexual breach of the peace. He blamed his behavior on alcohol, but still received three years probation and got put on the sex offenders list. Read more at the telegraph.co.uk
-Handlebars of a Woman's Bicycle: A 36-year-old Swedish man was arrested for satisfying himself on the seats of womens bicycles. The man was charged with sexual molestation and damages after police found traces of his semen on the saddle of a woman's bike. The man was first reported in the spring of 2006 when police found sperm during an investigation involving a slashed bicycle tire. The case broke when a woman saw the man carry away her bicycle and rubbing up against it. The man confessed to his crimes, explaining that he felt an overwhelming calm when he approached womens bicycles and smelled the handlebars. Read more at thelocal.se
-A Lamp Post: An unnamed 32-year-old English man was arrested for "suspicion of outraging public decency" for simulating sex with a lamp-post. Read more at the telegraph.co.uk
-Concrete and Plastic Bags: (2/93), Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavement. Watkins claimed it was a case of mistaken identity, but he was fingered many times as the man found face down in pavement with his pants around his ankles. One woman claimed she saw a group of children gathered around him. He also attempted to mount an underpass. Watkins received 18 months in jail but was back in court in April 1995 on charges of simulating sex with plastic dustbin bags in front of teenage schoolgirls. He revealed a nine-year fetish with the plastic sacks. He went out at night to spend his time in rubbish piles. His ultimate sexual fantasy was to be in a dust-cart when the bin bags were crushed. Convicted of outraging public decency, he was put on three years' probation and ordered to seek psychiatric help. Read more at ssrichardmontgomery.com
A Park Benchweirdasianews.com
-A Car: New Mexico man, Danny Brawner, 46, was caught performing sex acts on his car in a grocery store parking lot. With his pants around his ankles, he swung his arms and shouted while humping the trunk of his car. Police arrived to find Brawner passed out drunk beside the car. Read more at kob.com
-Many Cars (11/07) Canadian man, Sandy Wong, 45, was arrested three times in 2007 for masturbating on the hoods of cars, including a Mini Cooper and a BMW sedan on display at an auto show. Wong says he's sexually aroused by a certain type of car, like a '67 Camaro and '55 Chevy Bel Air. He's particularly attracted to a vehicle's 'roof top, which is curved like a woman's body. Wong said that people should not purchase such enticing vehicles since they tempt him to pleasure himself. According to the cops, Wong mounted the Mini Cooper outside a pizza place and proceeded to tuck, rub, and bounce his naked genitalia on the car's hood. Wong has been described as mentally challenged and was born with an under functioning thyroid gland. Wong also has a sexual preoccupation with women's feet and motorcycles. Read more at thesmokinggun.com.
-A 1,000 Cars[image-6]: Edward Smith is a mechaniphiliacs; he loves cars the way mommy loves daddy behind closed doors. Smith freely admits his lust for these glossy machines and doesn't want to change. Since the age of 15, Edward has banged a thousand cars and has done countless television interviews to raise awareness about mechaniphiliacs. His love raises a number of questions, like how exactly does one romance a car? Does Smith only do female cars? What attributes make for a bangable car. I would go for leather seats with tinted windows and plenty of room in the back end, but that's just me. Edward is currently giving it to a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which brings new meaning to the term Love Bug. Hes also been in sexual relationships with a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash named Ginger, Cinnamon the '73 Opal GT, and a '69 Beetle, as well as a helicopter. Read more at the telegraph.co.uk