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-Vagina pumps, penis pumps, and real handcuffs are so passé for FetishCon 2010; they sell in bargain bins for $12.

-Anything, including ball gags, seems classier in the well lit conference room of a fancy hotel.

-If you buy a skin tight latex suit, you also have to buy grease to get in and out of it.

-There's no proper protocol for interacting with a topless latex goddess like RubberDoll while a video plays behind her of a woman with a strap-on

fucking the fetish model in question.

-Enema pumps,  urethral dilator sound sets, and prostrate stimulators are sold at the medical supply booth.

-Sexy Halloween costumes from your local party store are sold as fetish outfits the rest of the year.

-It's okay for some models like Lindsey Lovehands to go topless in a hotel conference center as long as no one complains. No one ever complains.

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-Every fetish model has a very different justifications for what she does. Some only do nude photography because it's artsy. Some burlesque dancers won't twirl on poles because poles are trashy. Some tell you to check them out on 420 cocksuckers.com.

-Most of the fetish models I spoke to weren't willing to do BDSM in their personal life when money or publicity wasn't involved, at least with me.

-If you can't be recognized despite the ten foot picture of you behind your booth, it's time to use a more recent photo, or hit the gym.

-To be a successful fetish model, you have to know how to hustle.

WHAT I LEARNED AT THE "LAUGHING STOCKS" DEMONSTRATION:

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-When hotel guests sitting in a bar three stories below you in another wing of the building send security up to see what all the screaming is about, it's time to use a gag.

-It's not considered creepy to dawn a monk's robe, lock and girl in stocks, and tie her hands over her head while you tickle her so long as she gets paid, the event is documented on film, and there's an audience present.

-Feathers don't work to tickle toes. You have to use pipe cleaners.

-It's essential for a model to use the bathroom before she is bound and tickled.

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-Men who recently had pacemakers installed may not be able to have full on sex safely, but they can tickle a restrained woman to tears with only a minimal risk of heart failure.

-If you lock a woman's legs in medieval stocks and torture her, make sure she's secured to her seat. You don't want her to squirm out of her chair and break her ankles. Applying for worker's comp in such a situation can be very tricky.

-Leather shoe strings work well for binding toes because the knots don't slip like nylon string.

-Slimmer gags are better if you prefer your torture victim to drool.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM "THE PREDICAMENT BONDAGE" WORKSHOP BY LEWIS RUBENS.

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-Never volunteer at a class dedicated to predicament bondage unless you want to spend the entire class hogtied and wiggling toward another volunteer on the opposite side of the room who must untie you with her teeth.

-To become a professional bondage master like Lewis Rubens, it helps if you're really nice, and your creativity stems from your sex drive.

-If you work with bondage enthusiasts, it's best to be flexible, but not to let-on just how flexible.

-Instead of a carrot, to motivate a bound fetish model dangle a vibrator just out of reach.

-Being unable to escape a vibrator can be a form of torture.

-If a top asks what your phobias are before working with him, lie.

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-It's okay for a fetish model to get naked and tied up and press herself against a vibrator and have gushing orgasms in a fancy hotel conference room as long as the door is shut.

-If you have your wedding reception in a hotel conference room, it's best not to eat anything that falls on the floor no matter how expensive the hotel is.

-If you are being gagged, stick out your chin when the knot is tied around your head to give yourself more playroom.

-Most tops love to mind fuck you into thinking something really bad is going to happen when safety checks are in place: like if you lower the weights attached to your arms the knife suspended above your head will drop on your face. It won't, so long as your top knows what he's doing and the invisible fishing line attached to the knife holds.

-THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I LEARNED AT FETISHCON2010: A fetish con badge gets you into the nightly rooftop pool party where you can lounge around with half naked models until 6 am watching other attendants whip each other in rooms overlooking the pool.

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