In search of the worst film of all time, The 3 Guys tackled another in a long line of horrid cinematic offenders: Monster in the Closet. Join The Hopp, Rabid Nick Refer and Jimbo on a craptastic journey to a world where that sweater you got from your mom for Christmas isn’t the scariest thing in your closet.

Plus: As a special bonus for clicking now, 3 Guys and the Quest for the Holy FAIL now includes an exclusive, movie-specific drink recipe! Keep reading to find out more …

The Hopp: Monster in the Closet is a spoof of horror/monster films. Not surprisingly, the movie is about a monster that lives in people’s closets in a small San Francisco suburb. It terrorizes a community, including Gilligan's Island reject The Professor (played by a young Paul Walker), a “mild mannered” reporter named Dick, and a scientist lady named Dianne. I don't know, there could have been some deeper message or theme in this film, but I drank too much rum during the screening to know for sure.

Jimbo: Actually, Rabid, I see this movie as inexplicably indescribable.

Rabid Nick Refer: Yeah, that about covers it. And yes, Jimbo is referencing some horribly fantastic voice-over work that opens the film, where the words “inexplicably” and “unexplainable” are used in as many different combinations as possible. It's pretty inexplicable … and unexplainable. Right off the bat, Monster in the Closet's quirkiness comes out, and I don't think the film takes itself seriously. We're also served up some interesting time and date descriptions on screen. In fact, at one point we're told a particular scene is either taking place on a Monday or a Tuesday. Even the poor film doesn't know what the hell is going on. Now Hopp, you mentiond Paul Walker, but we're not talking all grown up, Fast & Furious Paul Walker here are we?

TH: Fortunately, this is Paul Walker before he was fast or furious. He looks like he was 8 or 9 when they shot this, and (with the exception of the monster) he delivers the best bit of acting in the movie. And, as far as the date descriptions go, it makes for the first of several possible drinking games for this movie.

Jimbo: I disagree, Hopper — I think the best actor in this film was a (very) young Stacy Ferguson, now more commonly known as Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. It's just a shame she's killed off in the first 3 minutes or this may have been a (marginally) better film.

RNR: Oh, that monster; what a card he was. This guy basically shows up in ONE neighborhood and starts terrorizing anyone who dares to try to pick out a matching outfit for the day. And though he seems to not travel very far, the authorities evacuate the entire city of San Francisco. I'm talking nuclear freak-out level evacuation, too. And it's just absurd, with everything on display being over the top and silly. The monster itself looks like the poop monster from Kevin Smith's Dogma, and little Pauly Walker ends up with a couple of zany characters dragging him across town following the beast. Hopp you want to talk about which characters we prayed would get eaten?

TH: Well, to be fair, I kind of wanted everyone to get eaten, but some of the main ones were Dick Clark (seriously, that was the characters name), a lousy obit writer who got thrown into the "story of the lifetime"; Dr. Pennyworth (Henry Gibson), a crazy scientist in the mold of Christopher Lloyd's Doc Brown; "Scoop" Johnson, a slimy, ridiculous investigative journalist; and finally, the way, way over the top General Turnbull (Donald Moffatt).

RNR: All of which were cheesy and groan inducing in their own right. But it's time to talk about the xylophone. Yes, you read that correctly — the xylophone. Good ole Dr. Pennyworth's "genius" method of communicating with the beast is to incessantly play one sequence of notes on a xylophone over and over and over again, to the point that the tune almost earns the film the coveted FAIL title all by itself. Luckily for the viewer, the Prof meets an expected end, but not before offering this grand epiphany: "DESTROY ALL YOUR CLOSETS!" Which leads to a fantastically bad montage, including a random Samurai warrior hacking at his closet with a katana blade. And the odd finish … is an unexpected love affair?

TH: Yes! Great 'FAIL' logic, destroy all closets. And with that, the monster gets home sick and runs amok before Dick Clark (again, just a character name) comes to the rescue by batting his eyelashes at the monster. Another bit of FAIL Logic, and something that puzzled me and shifted the movie to the level of insanity.

RNR: Dick Clark to the rescue! Yeah, the big "conclusion" to this epic tragedy is the monster falling in love with the handsome Mr. Clark and running off to closet-land (insert your own homosexual metaphor HERE). It really is the Romeo and Juliet of Poop monster/handsome reporter love stories. Monster in the Closet is a farce on par with The Garbage Pail Kids Movie in both style and substance.

TH: It was so bad, the thought that someone actually thought this would be good is inconceivable. The monster was so bad, the acting was truly terrible and the script was extremely crappy, and you could easily make up a drinking game for it — all of which leads me to believe Monster In The Closet is a FAIL contender. Still, it's surely not the worst movie out there, and it's certainly worth a laugh or two. Inexplicably. Ultimately, Monster in the Closet is in the FAIL ballpark, but it's not the Holy FAIL itself.

RNR: Before we get to the verdict, Jimbo I understand you have drinking instructions for potential Monster in Closet viewers?

Jimbo: Yes Mr. Refer. Take a drink every time:

• The words inexplicable or unexplainable are used.

• The movie fucks with your head with subtitles.

• The movie makes you think about never watching movies ever again.

And the Holy FAIL drink recipe of the week is — The Zombie:

1 part Bacardi 151

2 parts pineapple juice

2 parts orange juice

1 part brandy

4 parts light rum

2 parts dark rum

2 parts lime juice

1 tsp sugar

Mix all ingredients until sugar is dissolved, drink chilled, blackout in 10 minutes — just in time to forget the movie ever started.

Monster in the Closet earns a coveted 9

Random Samurai Warriors Killing Closets

out of 10, with 10 being THE HOLY FAIL

There has never been a better time to come out of the closet.