Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The libertine’s guide to gallantry: The group pick-up

Posted by Shawn Alff on Wed, Feb 10, 2010 at 12:08 AM

click to enlarge 2007 08 23 UA Hangout Bride to Be

Large groups of women are often avoided by insecure men. To men on the hunt, these clusters are akin to herds of gazelles: their number often makes it difficult to separate one from the pack. Also, one woman often positions herself as the prude governess, protecting the eligible bachelorettes by turning potential suitors away with a cold scowl or a snarky comment. It wasn't until I started doing promotions for Creative Loafing at locals bars that I realized groups of women can actually be easier to approach than individuals, but this maneuver involves a bit more cunning. Here are a few things to consider before negotiating your way into a circle of female friends.

Play the odds: While every woman in a group won't find your stuttering pick-up attempt charming, one or two may laugh at your Chuck Norris joke.  In fact, unless you're prepared to entertain the entire group with your limited arsenal of dance moves, you'll be better off pairing off with the one or two who are actually interested in talking to you. Also, even if you're a blundering fool, the group may tolerate your presence as each female may assume one of the other women likes you.

The Trojan horse: If you're with a small group of men, don't try to swarm the group like a boatload of horny vikings. Send your best negotiator out first. The group will not be as threatened by a single man. They'll also not be overwhelmed by the three simultaneous conversations that spring up when all of your buddies walk over. Once the lead male is accepted, then the other guys can trickle in, one-by-one.

Divide and conquer: Once your lead negotiator has singled out one or two, this creates a hole, making it easier for his backup to further split the group into manageable clusters.

Not all that glimmers is gold: Don't be distracted by the quantity of push-up bras and glossy lips and batting eye lashes. The male mind is easily distracted. When confronted with a plethora of females, the it often becomes like a dude at a porn shop, unable to concentrate or remember exactly what he's looking for. In order to make sense of this mass of sexuality, the brain often forms a perfect composite from the best attributes of each woman. Before you even approach, take a good look at the parts that make up the whole. Be certain that at least one or two spark your interest independently.

Sausage count: Don't bother approaching a group of females who accompanied by an equal number of men. Chances are, one dude will feel like you're stepping on his turf, and his friends may feel obligated to back him up. A few men in a large group of women can be a good thing. Consider approaching these men first.  If he's gay, even better. If you're on good terms with the token dude, he'll often introduce you to his eligible female friends.

Ladies night: While women often make it a point to leave their men behind and go out with just the gals, this doesn't mean they want to be left to themselves all night. Granted, there is the shoeless interpretive dancer in every group. But, in general, women go out for the same reasons men do: to have a good time. And, believe it or not, having a good time for many women often involves flirting with love interests. You're not breaking some sort of female pact by approaching these groups. Also, these groups often attract one or two women who are looking for someone to rescue them.  Many women only are only there out of a sense of obligation. This is important to consider if you're interested in meeting a woman who isn't a club rat.

The b-day or bachlorette party: Groups of women go to bars for specific reasons:  bachelorette parties, birthdays, or new engagements. Look for the signs. Are they clustered around one woman's wedding finger? Are they all drinking out of penis straws? Do they keep making toasts? Ask what they're celebrating. Offer to buy the birthday girl a drink. Bachlorette parties are always looking for stray men to suck lifesavers off t-shirts or participants in any number of games designed to get the bride-to-be to interact with men. Before the bride is completely soused and ordering people around like its her wedding day, these groups are often shy and reserved. They aren't used to having to approach men. Volunteer. While I don’t recommend going for the bride-to-be, showing a bit of kindness to her will only win you points with her friends.

Group photo: If a large group of women made the effort to get dressed up, they're damn sure documenting it. But, unless one of the not-so-photogenic friends continually volunteers to be photographer, or they're out with their mother, they need a photographer. Be ready. When one whips out a camera, lock eyes with her. If you see them trying to take a picture with an outstretched hand, volunteer your services. Take your time. Take multiple shots. Take a bad one and insist on a redo. Tell the girl you're interested in that she has a particularly good smile in one of the shots. Turn the camera and take a picture of yourself for them to remember you by. Remember that this is only an opener. You have to keep the conversation going after the flash fades.

Timing is everything: If you're not into pick-up tricks, you can always just dive in, but you need to time your approach. Don't try to start a conversation when the entire group is listening to a relationship horror story. More than likely one will be bitching about a failed relationship, about how her guy never listens, and you will only confirm their disdain for men. Wait until a few are talking among themselves. Anticipate a lull in the band or music. Single out one or two for your introduction, then work your way into the group. A great opener is to say that you need a woman's opinion on something, then pose a question to the entire group. Make sure its something that will spark a debate. Stay away from politics or religion. Keep it light. Ask about something related to sex, like if they would ever date a man shorter than them. Be prepared. The worst scenario would be you drawing the entire group's attention at an awkward only for you to have nothing to say. Or you could have to repeat your opener several times over the noise. Nothing kills wit like repetition.

Go against the grain: Despite what your dick tells you, don't go straight for the alpha female. This is expected. Begin a with one of the women who seems left out or uninterested in what the alpha female is saying. This will draw attention from the group. It may also stir a sense of competition, particularly with the alpha female. She may try to regain the group's attention by baiting you to go after her, or by deriding you. Ignore her. Show your confidence by concentrating on the others in the group.  Leave. Return to your friends, where you will demonstrate that you're selective and don't need to hit on every woman at the bar. When the opportunity presents itself, and if they haven't come to you, reintegrate yourself.

Go home to your lotion: The trickiest part of this scenario is ending up in bed with a group member.  Even if you're the nicest guy in the world, the group will naturally oppose one of its members splitting off, particularly if none of the other women are getting any. Also, many women don't like the idea of going home with a guy in front of all their girlfriends. Be considerate. Show your self control and class. Leave with a number and a plan to see her again, in a more one-on-one setting. If you play it right, she won't be able to shut up about how she met the nicest guy, and how he chose her out of all her eligible friends.

And, as always, never be afraid to look like a fool. Fortune favors the ballsy.

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