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“I once dated a guy who brushed his teeth in between giving me oral and us having sex,“ she told me. As a sex and love writer extraordinaire it has become natural for my female gal pals to come to me with their sexual frustrations. I appreciate that, though it does annoy me how little effort my gender puts into pleasing their ladies. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me look like a better lover but hey, I’m am still here to help. Gentlemen, behold the Rabid One’s guide to pleasing your lady.

Whether it’s making love or “lets hope we forget this in the morning sex” men are going to crave getting off. Shock of shocks, I know. Well his dance partner does as well. Boys you need to learn about patience and knowledge.

Yes, I know, you’ve now have already scoffed at me. Those two boring words have no place in the sack. I disagree. A man knows he’ll likely climax, I mean as soon as he figures out how to get off her bra it’s almost a guarantee. So why not focus on her? As you are making out feel the curves of her body, learn the areas that make her react and tease going back to them. Taking your time will build comfort and excitement, the two main ingredients for her satisfaction. It’s in this phase you may come across areas she doesn’t like touched, like a tickle zone or her appendix scar from 2002. Avoid those.

I am not sure why, but most men don’t like giving oral, but they love getting it. Time for that game to end, boys. It’s a fact that it’s one of the best and most successful ways to please her. No two women are the same, no matter how crazy they all are (kidding!). Work your way down there gently kissing her body all the way down. You should get a big reaction out of licking her breasts and once you get close to the promised land. Caress her inner thighs with your lips giving her fair time and warning for your impending mission. Begin kissing the vaginal region and note where she squirms. Some girls like “attack the clitoris,” other like a full tongue over the lips while coming back to kiss the clit a time or two. Take your time, let her enjoy it. If all goes well begin rubbing her ass and pull her in tighter. Than you can sit back and count the orgasms.

It’s time to move on to the feature presentation. Show her you are in command and that she is safe and accounted for. Allow her to guide you if there is something particular she wants. Remember, each girl is different, even if you can’t remember her name. A lot of ladies love getting on top. It’s my personal favorite because there is the opportunity for deep penetration as well as full gamut of her erogenous zones. Her face, lips, neck, breasts, nipples, and clitoris are all at your disposal. If she is not coming already, begin to slowly play around gauging what she likes. You are there for her as much as she is there for you. Seriously.

If you make your girl feel comfortable and safe, and are wise enough to explore her desires and not thrash around willy nilly, you will have a wonderful sexual encounter. Don’t rush it (unless you are on the hood of a cop car), give her what she wants, and you’ll have a satisfied lady tangled in your sheets. And then you can brush your teeth.

You can follow Rabid Nick on Twitter and find him here every Tuesday and Thursday

in the Sex and Love section of Creative Loafing.