Sex sells, so it makes sense that sex appeal is often used to market the green movement. Several magazines

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Don't have kids!!! Kids are so unsexy. Not only will these little bastards kill your sex life, sully your nightlife, and make it increasingly difficult to afford romantic getaways, they're also the largest source of pollution worldwide--considering they grow up to become full-fledged consumer-whore polluters like you and me. No environmental organizations or political groups want to admit the evils of children for fear of being misanthropic, but it's simple math. If you want to reduce the human strain on the earth, reduce the number of people. Instead of donating money to reactionary programs like "feeding the homeless" or "starving children" funds, be proactive by supporting groups like Planned Parenthood that attack the problem at the source.

Use condoms: Never listen to a dirty hippie who claims he doesn't believe in condoms because they aren't biodegradable.

If rubbers were biodegradable, they'd be about as effective as the pullout method, or wrapping your junk in a Fruit Roll Up. If someone claims they don't believe in condoms, that person either a.) is a religious nut who believes God is the best birth control or b.) has a vicious STD that no amount of coco butter, patchouli oil, or pot smoke can cure. There are so many larger environmental concerns we need to address before we worry about condoms clogging our landfills. And who knows, perhaps these rubbers will act as time capsules, preserving a nucleus of human life after we destroy the planet.

Don't shower with a friend to save water: Several "sex" advice writers suggest saving water by inviting a friend into the shower. Alone my showers take two minutes max, unless the conditioner bottle gives me a seductive look, in which case they take two and a half minutes. When I shower with a friend, the water turns cold before we're finished. I'm not bragging. It's just hard to maneuver in a tight, slick space. The only way showering with a friend will save water is if you take communal showers at public gyms with a short, overweight creepo in the corner, shampooing his body hair with a loofah while whistling. This will definitely reduce the amount of water you use, unless you're into that sort of thing. If you do enjoy showering with your partner, install a low-flow shower head or turn the water on intermittently. Just like changing sexual positions, stimulants like water work best when used intermittently.

Organic lube: Surprisingly, the organic stuff is actually better than the standard KY, at least the stuff I've tried. (Avoid anything a hippie mixed in his blender and markets in washed out shampoo bottles.) There's even a local company that makes this sex grease: Discreet Lubricant. I got two generous sized sample bottles about a year ago, and I'm just starting on the second bottle. A little goes a long way. It's the closest to replicating natural body fluids that I've found, unless normal sex for you is screwing a bowl of Jell-O. It doesn't leave the goopy, jelly feeling of products like Astroglide, and it doesn't permanently stain your sheets like baby oil. Discreet Lubricant is also the only natural, colorless, fragrance-free, non-animal tested personal lubricant manufactured in the US.

Parade around in your skivvies: If you ever call or email me at home, chances are I'm in my nut-huggers when we correspond. Your father was an environmental revolutionary when he lounged around your living room in his saggy whitey-tighties. Some green writers have suggested going completely nude, only because they've never done it. If it's hot enough to walk around your house naked, you don't want to mark your furniture with impressions of your sweaty ass cheeks. There's a reason nude resorts require guests to carry towels. In fact, this was why underwear was invented--to protect your outerwear from crotch funk. You don't want to swab your furniture with the goo that marinates all day in your nether regions. Soon, you'll either have to throw out your furniture or use some toxic sterilizing agent. Plus, underwear is often sexier than nudity. I don't know one woman who prefers the sight of a bare, gangly penis, to one that is neatly packaged in boxer briefs. The same goes for women. Many times a woman's body just looks more enticing when held in place through the magic of bra engineering.

Green sex toys: I'm not saying to introduce organically grown cucumbers or carrots into the equation. Our sex writer Ginger Ale suggests glass dildos which are completely recyclable and can be heated or cooled to your liking. Load your vibrator with rechargeable batteries. Instead of PVC fetish clothes, try costumes made from organic material. Shop for green friendly sex toys at Eartherotics.com. You can even recycle your toxic sex toys with Dreamscapes. This Tampa-based company even offers a $10 gift card for each package you send in of your old and busted vibrators, dildos, plugs, and rubber fists.

Bamboo bed sheets: Bamboo is a natural sustainable product that grows like weeds. I've never personally made love in these sheets, but I have molested a manikin wearing a bamboo shirt and it felt almost like touching a real boob. Bamboo also has a natural antibacterial agent that can reduce the amount of sex funk growing on your unwashed sheets. You can get this stuff locally at Shirts of Bamboo.