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As the hunt for my next fuck-buddy continues, I’ve expanded my search parameters and raised my age limit. At least I tried to.

When I was younger I vowed I wouldn't date anyone more than eight years older than me, but as I grew up, my lovers and boyfriends got progressively younger. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about dating older men until the other night.

For my birthday my girlfriends and I went to the casino for some fun. I met this handsome older man, Mr. Forty-Something.  I’ve never dated anyone this age but he was hot, at least I thought so through my beer-goggles.  I gave him my number and he made sure he had mine.

After the standard 2 day waiting period, he called to tell me he had forgotten my name. That should have been my first clue--a sign of the early onset of dementia.  Let me just say that normally If a man can’t respect me enough to remember my name, or call me by the right name, then fuck off you fucking fuck. But, I cut him some slack. He was extremely polite and flattering about why he hadn’t written down my name.

The next obvious sign that this man was all wrong was the minivan he pulled up in.  A forty-something single man in a minivan is a the antithesis of sexy. To make matters worse, he came to my door wearing jersey stretch pants and a matching t-shirt, as if he wanted to play a pick-up game of basketball rather than fuck.

I was willing to overlook his dementia, his minivan, and his workout gear so long as he knew how to fuck. After 45 minutes of talking and bullshitting, we finally got down to business.

He entices me with, “I want to go down and suck all the sweet crème from your pussy.”

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My attention turned to the tongue that rolled around my clit--his entire focus was on me, as it should be.  I was lost in a daze, eyes rolling, legs shaking, pussy cumming.  My own body betrayed me as I lost control and gave into multiple orgasms from his talented tongue.  No younger man has ever made me cum like that from oral sex.

What I didn't know then was that he had to make me cum with his tongue because his dick couldn't do the job. After 2 hours of buildup, he couldn't get hard.  If he knew he had erectile dysfunction issues, why didn’t he get some Viagra before he revved up the minivan? Did he think the tongue action would make me forget that his cock remained as soft and useless as play-do?  Erectile Dysfunction is a serious issue. With a ratio of 1:8 women in Pinellas County, that 1 in 8 better have a working cock.

It wasn’t until he was standing in my bathroom cleaning himself that I noticed his gray pubic hair and sagging ass. A man who’s too lazy to get Viagra is also too lazy to shave his gray fox. The reality of just how old he was stared at me from a saggy set of bearded balls. Men, if you expect to get some action, weed-whack that shit, especially if it has gone gray. Nothing turns off a feisty young woman worse than what looks like an old hairy hobbit burrowing in your crotch. Please shave. Your dick will look bigger and women are more inclined to give head to a smooth cock and balls.

So I did what any sensible, young, sex-starved vixen would do. I went back through some applications I’d filed away for a later time and pulled out the number of a hot 22 year-old to set up an interview for this weekend.

Clues that your potential fuck buddy may be too old:

1. Minivan

2. Dementia

3. Grey Public Hair

4. Old Sagging Ass

5. Erectile Dysfunction

Can you think of any other signs?