Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Workout sex-tapes: the next generation of fitness

Posted By on Wed, Apr 1, 2009 at 11:15 PM

World renowned sexercise expert, Alfie
Each month Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Maxim, Men's Health, and Playboy come out with rehashed articles recounting the health benefits of sex. I don't need "fitness experts" to tell me that most any type of moderate physical exertion has health benefits (see declaimer below). This is not one of those articles. This is an open letter to the adult entertainment industry, urging it to produce a sex tape workout series.

Sure, everyone knows regular sex can be like a workout, what with the shortness of breath and the need for a towel afterwards, but few people know how to get the most of this workout. It's an untapped market. Most everyone needs guidance on how to use the equipment (sex swings, sex ramps, restraints) and which positions burn the most calories. Pop and Peep culture have created an obsession with sex and body image, which have in turn caused a boom in the sex and health industries. It's time to combine and capitalize on these markets.

Will a work out sex tape sell?

Exhibit A: Carmen Electra's Aerobic Strip Tease Collection. (My girlfriend owns it). Carmen spends the majority of the video coaching viewers on how to make seductive expressions.

Exhibit B: The rise of pole dancing classes. (My girlfriend attends these and owns a pole. These things are like sexy jungle gyms for adults).

Exhibit C: Regis Philbin's walking workout tapes. Evidence people will literally buy ANYTHING.

The key is to recruit a MILF porn star who actually has to hit the gym to maintain her physique. No one will take fitness advice from an eighteen-year-old starlet who speaks with a cigarette rasp and who's thinner than a rail of cocaine. Think Stormy Daniels or Tanya Tate.

The possibilities are endless. There could be an entire series: "Back and Bust Blaster," "The Deep Bun Burn," "The Rock Hard Trainer." Soon gyms will start offering "Tantric Dry Humping Classes," and "Swedish Ball Routines." B-celebrities like Lil' Kim will host "Hip-Hop Hump" videos. Vibrators and five pound dongs will be marketed in fitness stores as exercise equipment.

Husbands will buy these videos as anniversary gifts. These workout videos may reenergize the sex lives of couples, giving them a reason to have sex and try new positions. Douche-bags will start showing love to bigger girls in order to get more of a workout. Guys with stamina problems will last longer, being forced to hold strenuous poses. Amateur sex tapes will become more professional, as couples acquire sex-star bodies and learn how to maintain provocative postures while thrusting.

All I ask is that I get to co-host the infomercials. I'll do whatever you need: wear sweatbands, get a spray tan, shave my pits... anything. I just want the opportunity to be surrounded by a workout room full of sex stars who are experts at pretending to be having a fantastic time while sucking in and maintaining uncomfortable sexual positions with men they normally wouldn't speak to. Janine Lindemulder will coach me through various dry humping positions with a partner, Stormy Daniels, and a safety spotter, Savanna Samson. This will not be considered cheating because I'll be getting paid and I'll be separated from the actresses by several layers of spandex. I've even been practicing my lines: "Wow! My glutes have never burned like this before."

DISCLAIMER: When I say sex is good for your health, I'm referring to protected sex between trusting and consenting partners. Certain types of fetish sex, such as amputation, fire play, and drunk sex, don't promote general fitness. Never have sex with a transient or a woman who mentions marriage before you know her name. This type of risky behavior can lead to serious medical complications: pregnancy, demoralizing interoffice gossip, and in some cases jail, which, despite what many think is nothing like a health spa or Turkish bathhouse. Cheating may counteract the health benefits of sex, causing an increase in blood pressure, inability to sleep, and violent beatings with stilettos.

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