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Friday, January 16, 2009
Tampa Bay's "driving Holocaust"
Posted by Joe Bardi on Fri, Jan 16, 2009 at 5:02 PM
Drew Magary's Jambaroo, published every Thursday on sport blog Deadspin, is a must read for serious football fans who also get the absurdity of their favorite sport. This week, Drew is sounding off on championship Sunday when he takes time out to address a potential Super Bowl crisis:
And so, if the favorites hold, we’ll end up with an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl that will take place in Florida. People, I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say this kind of mass influx of Pennsylvanians into the greater Tampa area will result in A FUCKING DRIVING HOLOCAUST.I’ve driven in lots of states, and I’ve encountered a whole lot of shitty drivers. But Pennsylvania drivers and Florida drivers are among the fucking worst of the bunch. I don’t even know why they bother painting lines on the fucking road in either of those states. It’s not as if traffic markers are obeyed at any time. I’ve seen better driving in fucking Egypt. “Lemme just go 40mph in the left hand lane, and then pull alongside another Pennsylvania driver going 40mph in the right hand lane, so that we might form a completely impenetrable wall that you have no chance of advancing past! Oh, did I just merge into a bridge support?”
You don’t want to be anywhere near Tampa two weeks from now if this matchup happens. It’ll be an unholy wreck of retard Steeler fans plowing their rented Ford Tauruses into a bunch of crippled retirees’ Crown Victorias. No one will be spared. Four-way stop signs will be CHAOS. Cars will be parked diagonally in every available space. 400-car pileups will occur just because some lady from Sarasota was trying to get a photo of her dog to be the wallpaper on her cell phone screen. Turn signals will mean NOTHING.
You’ve been warned.
Good luck fellow Bay area residents. Drive safely.
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