Gator Matty: After weeks of droning on about statistics, schedules, and Superman (had to get a Tebow reference into the first sentence of the blog), game week is finally here. The wife and I have argued over everything game-related to argue about, but in what may be the final post, what does the outcome of this game really mean to our relationship?
BCS Trophy ingrained in my memory forever? An achy back from sleeping on the couch or bragging rights to two national titles in three years (or four in five years if you're counting basketball)? Yes, Gainesville would officially become the all-time college Title Town, and ironically, Superman would turn my house into the Fortress of Solitude.
But these can't be real choices, you're saying. She's not that serious. My friends, hell hath no fury like a Sooner woman scorned. Let's just say we would have never gotten married if I had attended the University of Texas. Trust me. Mack Brown should probably be thankful that Lorena Bobbitt wasn't a Sooner.
After much deliberation, I have sent an email to Florida head coach Urban Meyer, instructing him to make sure the game is a close one for the sake of my sex life...
He sent one back instructing me to find the nearest flower shop that sells red and white roses (the OU colors). That's a joke, but in all seriousness, here is my plea to my beautiful, lovely, incredible, amazing, wonderful wife. Go easy on me if the game is still up for grabs in the fourth quarter.
What is the better outcome for me? These are going to be tough choices. No sex for a week or the image of Tebow hoisting the BCS Trophy ingrained in my memory forever?
Sooner Holley: No sex for a week, you say Gator Matty? That would be a light sentence. Now, for those of you who think I'm being a little hard on my Tebow-lovin' sweetie, let me play Ghost of Christmas Past and take you inside a scene which occurred in my living room during the holidays. Mind you, my husband's friends, be they UF graduates or merely fans, are ALL rooting against my Sooners.
Allow me to set the scene: Gator Matty, Sooner Holley and our friend we'll call Semi-Gator Scotty are all seated in the currently divided living room watching some ridiculous film about zombie chickens. Enter another friend we'll call Filibuster Phil. Upon Filibuster's arrival, the topic arises as to where the tortured couple will be watching the game. Now, this has been discussed at length in weeks past, but Filibuster Phil just can't seem to accept that the fun-lovin' Sooner Holley and Gator Matty will not be viewing the game from the same location. As is common in these situations, one of the aforementioned friends made some sort of declaration about how Tebow would destroy my Sooners, which was quickly followed by another reference to Tebow's supposed Superman status which was, of course, coupled with a remark about his monk-like humility and dedication to the betterment of humanity in general.
And, so, I exploded, adequately demonstrating why a joint viewing would be a horrific mistake.
Weeks of pent up frustration at the common insistence that this college quarterback is somehow going to save the world from both global warming and the tumbling economy poured out of my every orifice as I launched into a rant that would have left even Rush Limbaugh in shock. The specifics really aren't important, but if you're curious, it had something to do with the boy wonder's questionable motivation with regard to entering the NFL Draft or returning to Florida for another year as well as his somewhat, in my opinion, hypocritical approach to self marketing. All of that said, I think he's a great kid and an incredible football player - one of the best in history. But, he IS a kid, and he DOES have an ego.
Of course, my rant was met by more passionate, much louder counter arguments from both Filibuster Phil and Gator Matty. Semi-Gator Scotty supported me on this point, but made it very clear that regardless of whether or not Tebow wants to be a superstar, my Sooners were certain to be defeated by 21 points.
My blood pressure shot up. A vein in my forehead began to pulsate. I considered a rebuttal, then considered tequila. Neither seemed the appropriate solution to my anger. Instead, I retreated into silence.
Fellas, in case you are not aware, the silent treatment is one of the female gender's most deadly and effective weapons. We don't speak, you wonder why, and eventually we are declared victorious so that you can shed your paranoia and go back to watching basketball on the internet without fighting off a nagging sense of guilt. We tend to save this weapon for our most difficult battles - it's a sure thing.
It is important to note that Sooner Holley and Gator Matty will overcome either potential outcome of this game - after all, our teams are not rivals 364 days out of the year. But, should Florida defeat my beloved Sooners on Thursday in this most important of games, separate sleeping arrangements may, in fact, become necessary if for only a short time. The deadly silent treatment may be deployed, and Gator Matty may have to suffer cooking his own dinner for a couple of nights.
Excessive? Maybe. But as Gator Matty so eloquently put it, hell hath no fury like a Sooner woman scorned, and unless Tim Tebow walks into my living room immediately following the game, that fury will most likely be directed at the man who has turned his favorite college quarterback into his cell phone wallpaper.
But, truthfully, none of this really matters since the BEST quarterback in the country and his band of offensive dynamos are going to emerge from this game victorious. When that happens, something tells me Gator Matty is going to be MUCH happier about the outcome. In fact, I'm certain.